Nurture: Word of the… month(s)
You know how people have their word of the year that then becomes a theme or area of focus in their life? I always preferred to do that more retroactively… too much happens unplanned over the course of a year that they rarely end the way you thought they were going to.
But I liked the idea of setting an intention beforehand and then leaning into it with your life. So I started trying to do this for seasons… roughly three month intervals.
Going into the winter months, the overarching theme in my life was nurture.
If I’m being honest, I kind of chose the theme because, well, I’m the male parent and my kids are always craving mommy. It’s pretty natural for toddlers to have a preferred parent, and let’s be real, 98% of the time it’s mom, so I’m not exactly offended by my toddlers…
But there are some huge inconveniences. She can’t pass through a room just to go grab something if they’re there without setting off the crying when they realize she’s not there to stay.
As the B-parent, I then get the job of trying to pry them off of her, which you know, probably doesn’t do a whole lot to change the dynamic.
We probably fall into pretty stereotypical roles in our family. She’s the place of safety and nurture. I spark the adventure and discovery and their confidence and ability to do things. Not exclusively, of course, but kids need both and it’s common for these to be split in two parent households.
Anyways, I decided to experiment with developing my more nurturing side. Work out those muscles. I didn’t really know where to begin, other than the idea of physically holding the little ones.
When winter started, my mom took a planned vacation to New Zealand, leaving us a few gaps in childcare throughout the week. Then our nanny had a very sudden family emergency. That left us with huge gaps for me to cover.
If nothing else, I was getting a lot of time to work on this. There were a lot of kids in the background of my Zoom calls that month.
I think on the surface, nothing looked radically different. I spent lots of time with the kids, did my weekly one-on-one adventure with each one, and tried to juggle quality time with the tasks and chores.
But quite a bit, when one of the toddlers would be having a meltdown at the same time I was trying to get something done, the word nature would come to surface in my mind.
That helped me shift gears on the spot and instead of responding reactively, I remembered to respond in ways to help usher their emotions.
Here are a few things about nurture I learned…
First, it’s not encouraged or expected from men very much. But you probably already knew that.
In the past couple weeks I’ve seen a couple of rage-bait videos essentially encouraging men to be bad fathers or they’d lose masculinity points or something. Nothing says secure-about-masculinity than being constantly worried about losing it, I guess.
I know it’s more associated with feminine energies, or whatever, but those conversations about gendered energies are out of my wheelhouse. All I know is nurture us repressed among men.
I’d imagine we’d be in a pretty different world if men weren’t often taught to be scared of being nurturing. Like, the male figure I most associate with nurture is Fred Rogers, so yeah, more of that energy really would do a lot of good in the world.
To chose to be more nurturing, as a man, is to make a countercultural choice, going against the grain of what’s expected. And being nurturing takes nothing away from other traits like strength, protectiveness, and boldness. They’re all compatible.
Nurture also does call for a good deal of strength and resolve. To be in a room of breakdowns, big feelings, and chaos, to absorb it, and turn it into calm and safety is an actual power. You’re transforming energies there.
It is so easy to be reactive, to meet stress with your own stress. I like to think of nurture as a landing pad where that can be absorbed and redirected.
Any associations of nurture with weakness are way misguided.
I’ve been using parenthood as most of my examples of nurture, but you can be nurturing in any setting. I think one place where I’ve done this fairly naturally has been the workplace.
Being nurturing means giving people a safe spot to be loved as they are and to be seen as their very best self. All these are active choices.
While nurture is much more than a physical disposition, there’s a very strong physical element. Sometimes if you’re not even sure how to make a nurturing choice in a moment, just physically do something that you associate with nurture and if nothing else it’ll put you in the right mind frame. Hold your palms open. Kneel to eye level with the kids. Hum like Kid Cudi.
Oh and eye contact. Connect and validate the experience in front of you. From there you can move forward together.
Finally, one phrase I hear a lot in intentional parenting circles is this: they’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time. That’s a good one. And while you’re not wrong to say, why can’t it be both? From the kid’s POV, it means they’re having a tough time. I’m often reminded that with limited verbal skills and constant exposure to new and novel experiences, those first few years of life are kinda overwhelming.
I’d even go so far as to say… why not think this about challenging encounters in our world at large? The internet gives us easy access to everyone’s outrage. We can see hot takes the world over.
What I’m learning to recognize is the hurt behind the hot take. Even the ones that initially make my skin crawl.
The hurt is there, when you remember to see it. The pain ends up going somewhere, often in the form of outward vitriol. But perhaps we can try something else. Absorbing it and making a new energy. Our world has a need for more nurturers.