Things the baby years taught me
At the end of last year, our twins turned two!
In some ways that marks the end of the baby phase, though it doesn’t always feel like it. (Especially this week).
Being a parent today means there’s no shortage of advice coming your way in every direction, most of it well-intentioned, a lot of it paranoid, and some of it occasionally helpful.
To be honest, I get turned off by the quantity, comparison, and unspoken perfectionism present in a lot of these pieces of advice, to the point where I have no interest in giving advice to other parents.
All that said, there are a few things I’ve learned that just might be helpful to others on the journey. To make myself feel better, please don’t think of this as advice. Think of it as a few notes to myself of things I’ve learned during these baby years, and if any of it is helpful to you too, so be it.
Tantrums are a lot less intimidating when you remember how infant/toddler brains work.
I’m a sucker for those parenting-meme listicles of “reasons my toddler is crying.”
(A classic? He doesn’t want to go… even though we’re not going anywhere.)
This early in the game, brains are growing, but not evenly. The parts that process emotions are much more developed than those logic centers. Knowing that helps you have empathy, even if the belligerent screaming is still overwhelming.
One other thing I’ve learned is that if a kid is in the right headspace, meaning still upset, but with some degree of control, you can help them along by giving them a simple task like repeating a pattern or counting.
This stimulates their logic centers and helps brain activity be a tiny bit more balanced. It doesn’t always work, but the times that it does will make you feel like a wizard.
Get on their level.
In some ways, I mean this literally.
During a meltdown, when giving instructions, or many other interactions, put in the effort to squat or kneel down to eye level with them.
But also, think about what the world looks like from their perspective. Mostly unfamiliar. Constantly new and overstimulating.
Those of us raising babies often envy and romanticize this state of existence where you don’t worry about work, bills, money, etc. But the sense of constant unpredictability and little control over everything? We have no memory of what that’s like, but it can’t be pleasant.
Being a toddler is a tough lot. Understanding this can help us draw upon our better angels when we need to.
Build that village.
I cannot overstate how valuable having a support system is when raising kids. I also can’t fathom how some friends and relatives with much less support get through these years.
One thing I appreciate and admire about many cultures I’ve interacted with is the strong, collective sense of responsibility almost every adult has towards every child. It’s allowed parents to overcome many otherwise unideal circumstances, and it reminds you how for most of humanity, parenthood was a much less isolated task.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some drawbacks. Philosophies on how to interact with children may differ, and there’s no shortage of opinions coming from others. But having kids grow up with a sense of surrounding community is a really valuable thing.
This is the kind of project that can start well before parenthood, but it can also kick off through interactions with parents at a similar stage.
Even if most of your closest friends and contacts don’t have kids and don’t think of themselves as kid-people, maybe they can put you in touch with others who can help. We found our nanny somewhat in-directly through a colleague with older kids who now lives in a different state.
You can frame almost everything as a decision.
It’s a little gimmick I learned long before becoming a parent. First as a clinician for an autism center, then later as a substitute teacher. You may be familiar with it.
Rather than a forceful you have to eat you can find a choice for the kid to make that still results in them eating. Do you want to start with the potatoes or the blueberries?
You yourself probably don’t care what they start with. But now they have agency over something. And a decision to make.
Over time you get good at this. Clean your room becomes books or trucks? We need to go to school becomes which seat do you want along the way?
And then you discover all these other ways your own life can be about reframing things into choices independent of parenthood, and that restores a greater sense of freedom.
Parenthood will test your partnership.
I suggest people talk about this more and anticipate it going into parenthood. It’s one of the most challenging things you can throw at a romantic partnership.
When you take a closer look, this shouldn’t be too surprising. In the process of raising your own kids, all your values, expectations for the future, and resentments about the way you were raised get unearthed. Add this to the fact that you’re probably more exhausted than ever, getting less sleep, and under more financial stress…
It’d probably be weird if you weren’t coming into more conflict!
Talking about this, normalizing it, and even anticipating it can be really helpful.
To be transparent, our first year with the twins seemed pretty tough on our marriage. And then I hopped onto a Reddit thread for parents of multiples and I realized we were actually doing okay. A lot of parents were struggling so much individually, let alone as a couple.
Seeing that normalized helped me reframe it as a storm to endure. Counseling, offering each other generous assumptions, and trying to take on a spirit of I-got-your-back goes a long way.
Anticipate and accept your shortcomings.
Speaking of ideals, it’s so easy to build up expectations for yourself as a parent. It’s probably even easier to do this ambitiously if you had a less-than-ideal upbringing yourself.
I suppose parenthood is an area of life where being ambitious to do well is a good thing. Just remember that perfectionism is off the table from day one.
You’re gonna screw up. You’ll hand things down to your kids you wish you hadn’t but it’ll be much too late by the time you realize it.
I think it’s healthy to have some of this anticipated up front. Not so we can be complacent in wanting to work on ourselves, but so that we can be even more self-aware of our shortcomings.
Often, aiming for perfectionism leads to either really bad burnout, or a straight up denial of ways things could be better.
Hope you enjoyed this one-time-only bit of non-advice.
I really do not want to be a parenthood content account. I’ve just made a lot of mental notes to myself I thought should live somewhere on the internet for posterity.
My kids really are the best gift, as crazy as it gets most days.