Rare and Beautiful

What a brutal time it is for so many people. The world, really.

I’m thinking of all the aged photos I saw on Instagram in the past month, young versions of friends next to parents and grandparents, just before the caption confirms it’s a loved one lost too soon.

I’ve been having a really hard time being blindsided with my own deep loss of a friend. Then there’s the ongoing lockdown, the attack on elders, and the challenge of pandemic parenthood. It’s a lot.

“There’s no way to have cohesive stories unless we embrace all of it: the good, the hard, the bittersweet, the joyful, the lonely, and the painful. It all counts! If we know something else to be true, it’s this: God is a keeper and curator of stories.”
–Aundi Kolber

Here’s one thing I’ve seen up close:

People reaching out, even in the most basic and simple ways, always matters. It always counts for much more than we give it credit for. To those who’ve offered that to me, my family, and community, I only have the sincerest thanks. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you can’t “save the world,” but that shouldn’t make you overlook the more human-sized task of showing up. To the people around you. To the gift of life. To the story of how we’re connected.

It’s a gift to be here. There’s plenty of bad to resist, there are many wounds to heal, and there are many good things to savor. And there’s no need to do this alone.

Kirstie

Kirstie... wow, what a beautiful life you lived my sweet friend. I’m absolutely heartbroken that our time together was cut short so abruptly... it still feels like I should be expecting a text or chat ping any minute, or that whenever I get to go back in to the office, we’ll be back in our old corner.

For the rest of my life, I’ll be so grateful you were a part of it. I feel so privileged that I got to spend so many ordinary, daily, mundane moments with you. You truly embodied that Mother Teresa saying about doing small things with great love.

You taught me many, many things. Like how apples aren’t as boring as I used to think they were, but quite the opposite. Or how you can always find time to dip in the ocean, even at the start or end of a long day.

Above all, you taught me how to see people. Reading over your old messages and the constant affirmation, makes me really hope to live up to the way you saw me. Whenever you looked at anyone, it was as if you were seeing the very best version of that person... whether it was a donor, an intern we managed together, a random salesperson, a lifelong friend, a kid in Mexico, etc.

I think the world would be so much better if we could all see ourselves and other people the way God sees us. That feels super lofty, but the way you saw everybody gave us a living, vibrant image of what that looks like. And I think because you deliberately chose to see the best version of each person, we all became a little bit more like the best version of ourselves.

You loved people so well. Thank you for everything, Kirst. Everything.

February 2021

#32 End of 42nd

01 February 2021 // San Diego, California

The weirdness of the pandemic is that it’s a burst of good news followed by a major setback… an unprecedented breakthrough, followed by a dragged out delay there seems to be no good explanation for.

I think for most of the pandemic, my preoccupation with keeping my family safe has given me greater reserves of patience than the average individual. But there are select days where the hunger for activities that have been off limits for a year grows sharp.

There have been a lot of those lately, especially as I’ve been missing friends and colleagues.

But it helps me to remember that Ebola, in a region without easy medical access, met its end in a few years. And the last major pandemic in 1918-1920 ended eventually, even without access to all our tools and knowledge. And many viruses tend to mutate in a benign direction for the sake of its survival.

Hopefully this ends sooner rather than later but this won’t go on forever.

#33 Vegetarian Nigiri

02 February 2021 // San Diego, California

I have had the strangest relationship with work over the past year.

I love what I do, in many ways I have my dream job.

At the same time I’ve experienced the limitations of how much work is and isn’t able to love you back.

I’ve hit points of frustration. I’ve also appreciated the people I work with like never before.

I’ve been torn on the entire concept of work, in a society that overvalues it and ascribes too much human value to their productivity.

I’ve also appreciated the feeling and opportunity of being part of something.

So many of these tensions are still there, but my favorite way of looking at work is largely inspired by my friend Gary, plus the mission of my workplace: we were meant to do things that give us joy and have meaning, whatever that means. Work in its best and purest form is play. Income inequality and poverty can take the fun out of the play and turn it into something else, but it’s always worth it to find ways to pursue play. 

#34 International Records

03 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Thinking over the past year and a half of parenthood, pandemic, and so many personal changes and upheavals, it really feels like I’ve cycled through the spectrum of human emotions in a very deep way.

When the pandemic was brand new and much was uncertain… there was apprehension, fear, and urgency.

When racial justice hit a breaking point, there was anger. Rage, frustration, and determination. A variety of anger that felt completely right.

Now, upon losing a wonderful friend, there’s deep, deep grief and sadness.

Before all this, of course, there was Rhys’ birth. There was hope and joy and the breakthrough after such a long, long wait. I can’t wait for a season like that to come back around.

#35 Liberty Wade

04 February 2021 // San Diego, California

It’s such a strange word, but it also seems so fitting to how I’ve been the past two weeks.

Of course there’s grief and deep sadness. There’s also a strange sense of deep appreciation for the mundane moments and the people around me. And the desire to bask in life a lot more.

I don’t often think of tenderness as a desirable quality. It often makes me think of a sore that hasn’t healed. Or even a child or animal in a distrusting mood.

The first time I ever heard it spoken of positively was two years ago by Gregory Boyle. “We must be tender to join to each other; that is God’s dream for us,” he said.

What does tenderness look like in action? That phrase alone is strange. But I’m eager to see it.

#36 CHORIZO Y NUTELLA

05 February 2021 // San Diego, California

It’s been a really hard past couple weeks. Big feelings, deep sadness. Most of all I just miss my friend. I’ve taken a couple trips to the cliffs over the ocean and really appreciate everyone who’s reached out.

There are so many beautiful things to say about her life, but one that stands out to me is her natural ability to see the very best in a person. We worked so closely and there wasn’t a single experience where I felt like I wasn’t given generous assumptions. It made me want to be more and more like the better version of myself.

#37 Tacos Panzon

06 February 2021 // San Diego, California

How do I want to be in this world?

I want to be non-judgemental, to be an optimist, and to believe the best about others in a strange way that brings it out in them. I also want to take no B.S., to be absolutely honest, and to have a strength that can birth gentleness.

I want to be unmistakably joyful, with a contagious strain that helps others feel grateful to be alive. I also want to be the kind of person who holds space for all the feelings, and who invites others to have that level of sincerity.

I want to challenge others into doing better, being better. I want to help people feel accepted and cherished.

I want to be ambitious, striving for major change and grander adventures. I want to be present and satisfied with simple things.

I know all these things are paradoxes. And I don’t want to be so back-and-forth that it takes away any of these flavors. Is this possible? I think in a strange way, this is what growth and maturity looks like. And I’m thankful we have the gift of others to show us how this could look.

#38 Drive-In Church

07 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Solidarity, not silence.

Last month, an 84-year old Thai man, Vicha Ratanpakdee was assaulted in San Francisco. Two days later, he passed away. An 89-year old Asian woman in Brooklyn was set on fire. A string of 20+ robberies and assaults were reported in Oakland’s Chinatown.

This isn’t news I wish to share in the least. But the news itself isn’t sharing it. I haven’t seen any coverage on the homepage of a major newsletter. It hasn’t been given any airtime.

It’s that same silence that allows violent attacks on Asian American communities to grow to 100 per day during the pandemic. It’s the same silence that kept me from learning about things like Vincent Chin’s murder or the Watsonville Riots until my 20s. It’s the same silence that led to 164 no votes from congressional reps that asked for nothing more than a denouncement of anti-Asian sentiment.

One thing I hate about stories like these is that they can make you feel helpless. But there are actual things to do. Work ahead that matters. And they revolve around building solidarity and rejecting silence.

Building solidarity means looking at how different groups’ struggles for racial justice are different, but interconnected. It means knowing history: Grace Lee Boggs, the Immigration wave that followed the Civil Rights Era, Yuri Kochiyama It means working to dismantle prejudices within one’s own group. It means understanding the Model Minority Myth and how its false promises ultimately harm both Asians and other groups of color.

Rejecting silence means speaking up. Every one of us is a steward of our own voice and relationships. It’s not about how big your platform is, it’s about using it well. Rejecting silence looks like denouncing violence. It looks like amplifying positive depictions. And it looks like unambiguously rejecting sinophobic rhetoric from political leaders, whether or not they’re the ones we support. 

#39 Asian Snack Aisles

08 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Almost every country’s top music charts are full of American songs, but the US doesn’t really get much exposure to other music.

I wanted to make my tastes international so last year I tried mixing in non-US based artists into my playlists.

🇨🇩 KOKOKO – Kitoko (DR Congo)

🇨🇴 Lido Pimienta – Nada (Colombia/Canada)

🇮🇹 Zak Munir – Io e Te (Italy)

🇪🇬 Mohamed Hamaki – Howa Da Habiby (Egypt)

🇷🇺 Klava Koka – Бабы (Russia)

🇮🇳 Rochak Kohli & Lauv – Dil Na Jaaneya (India)

🇨🇱 Tomas Del Real – La Creatividad (Chile)

🇪🇸 Cuchillo – Hora Bruja (Spain)

🇩🇪 Namika – Lieblingsmensch (Germany)

🇵🇸 DAM – Milliardat (Palestine)

🇨🇺 Cimafunk – Caliente (Cuba)

🇨🇱 Mon Laferte – Biutiful (Chile)

#40 Bird Rock Walk

09 February 2021 // San Diego, California

An underrated image of good leadership:

The ability to solicit totally honest and completely transparent feedback, including the stuff you don’t like to hear, from the people you serve. Simply nodding and validating what you hear, and letting people know they’ve been heard.

Fighting the urge to say anything in response or to justify anything, and just actively listening.

#41 Everyday These Days

10 February 2021 // San Diego, California

What a brutal time it is for so many people. The world, really.

I’m thinking of all the aged photos I saw on Instagram in the past month, young versions of friends next to parents and grandparents, just before the caption confirms it’s a loved one lost too soon.

I’ve been having a really hard time being blindsided with my own deep loss of a friend. Then there’s the ongoing lockdown, the attack on elders, and the challenge of pandemic parenthood. It’s a lot.

🤲🏽

“There’s no way to have cohesive stories unless we embrace all of it: the good, the hard, the bittersweet, the joyful, the lonely, and the painful. It all counts! If we know something else to be true, it’s this: God is a keeper and curator of stories.”

 –Aundi Kolber

🤲🏽

Here’s one thing I’ve seen up close:

People reaching out, even in the most basic and simple ways, always matters. It always counts for much more than we give it credit for. To those who’ve offered that to me, my family, and community, I only have the sincerest thanks. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you can’t “save the world,” but that shouldn’t make you overlook the more human-sized task of showing up. To the people around you. To the gift of life. To the story of how we’re connected.

It’s a gift to be here. There’s plenty of bad to resist, there are many wounds to heal, and there are many good things to savor. And there’s no need to do this alone.

#42 Window Book Shopping

11 February 2021 // San Diego, California

“Good climate policy must be rooted in a culture of listening”

–Maggie Thomas

Good news will always land much more quietly than bad news, but that doesn’t mean that good news doesn’t happen. It’s just the nature of news not to report these things. Good things happen gradually. Persistently, but gradually. News often refers to sudden changes and moments, but seeing the real story calls for looking beyond daily headlines.

One recent experience here is my recent discovery of how much more coal-independent we’ve gotten in just ten years. We’re roughly 3/5ths of the way to having shut down every coal plant. There are some surprisingly conceivable ways to reach full carbon neutrality in the next ten years.

#43 Sidewalking

12 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Work well. Respect the earth. Do something special.

As a young dad, I’m now going to think pretty carefully about what decorative signs we put up around the house, because I know how seriously Kirstie delivered on these three things.

The sort of work we did together tends to attract  people with a lot of save-the-world energy. It’s ambitious and energetic, but it isn’t always healthy. As someone who has at times struggled with that savior mentality, I know many of us need that famous reminder from Mother Teresa that we cannot do great things, but we can do small things with great love.

Few people I know embodied that quote better than Kirstie. Whether you were a donor, an intern, or a farmer she visited in Mexico or the Dominican Republic, you were a recipient of those small acts of great love. It was infused in every gala dinner she helped orchestrate, every thank you phone call she delivered, and every intern she helped nurture. 

One of the most common things you’ve undoubtedly heard echoed about Kirstie was her love of the ocean. It was a reverent love, recognizing the enormity of its power and the peace of its constant presence. One she often connected to her faith in God.

One of my personal favorite things about her was the simple fact that she basically made her way into the ocean every single day. I can remember times at work during busy seasons when she would head out around four or five, head into the ocean even for just a ten minute dip, before coming back to finish off the tasks at hand. I loved that.

Kirstie not only saw the best version of us, but because she did, it made us more like those people. She was a cultivator. You’ve heard so many people talk about Kirstie’s light and how she was like sunshine. The thing about sunshine is that it gives life, and it helps others grow.

Work well. Respect the earth. Do something special.

Wow. Check, check, and check.

#44 Big Ramen Energy

13 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Over the past century, Black farmers in the United States have lost around 80% of their farmland. This amounts to millions of acres and billions in lost wealth.

The injustice faced by Black farmers deserves a LOT more attention than it ever gets. But you know what else does too? All their contributions towards sustainable farming and agriculture!

It’s pretty amazing to connect the dots between George Washington Carver’s work in soil conservation or T.M. Campbell’s land management principles to some of my daily work with rural communities and the important regenerative farming techniques that offer promise towards solving climate.

I loved coming up with a micro-campaign for Plant With Purpose for Black History Month and it was a good reminder of how indebted I am to many who don’t receive proper credit.

#45 Big Sky Trail

14 February 2021 // Poway, California

I hope the stories I have to tell connect with people. The right people. And I hope they have some sort of impact.

But no matter what happens, I’m here to have fun with it. I’m here to love the process and to learn from it and to honor the work.

#46 Celebrating Kirstie’s Life

15 February 2021 // San Juan Capistrano, California

What a day to celebrate a friend’s beautiful life.

Kirstie was loved by so many, it was literally humbling to be asked to say a few words.

My heart still hurts but healing is happening too.

I love that one of the flowers we took home was an Icelandic poppy.

Kirstie helped us plan our trip to Iceland two years ago, and it was a lifelong wish fulfilled for me.

#47 Icelandic Flowers

16 February 2021 // San Diego, California

It feels like forever ago, but it was only a few weeks back when we got to spend a few days in Lake Gregory- kinda near Arrowhead and Big Bear.

Pandemic travel is weird and we didn’t do things too differently than what we do at home to enjoy. Stay in, get takeout, read, and spend time in nature. But the time off and away was much needed and appreciated.

Highlights:

🏔 Lots of time exploring the San Bernardino Mountains
🏭 Walking the quiet storefronts in the downtown spots of small mountain towns
❄️ Rhys loved the snow, no surprise
🥘 The homemade soup and cornbread our host set out for us
☕️ The coziest cabin with a mega supply of coffee and tea

#48 Black History Reads

17 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Accommodations used to be one of my lowest priorities when traveling. I used to intentionally plan nights of sleeping on a bus or in an airport into my schedule to save the cash.

Things are a little different when a baby, puppy, and pandemic enter the mix.

This cabin we found at Lake Gregory was exactly what we needed. Technically, it was a studio, but it had more space for Rhys to run around than he probably has at home. Our host even made us welcome soup and cornbread.

If I’m not gonna go the cheap route for accommodations, then I might as well embrace making the place I stay all part of the experience. We spent our nights here winding down as early as six for the coziest time of reading, movies, and sleep.

Some of the best places I’ve stayed:

🇦🇷 A backpacker hostel in Patagonia that nailed the woodsy cabin vibe, and set out fresh baked bread and dulce de leche for breakfast every morning

🇿🇲 A Zambian hotel called Fawlty Towers. The facilities were decent, but the adventures you could book at the front desk were almost too good to be true. I’m still in awe at the safari tour I got arranged.

🇮🇹 The apartment we stayed at on our last visit to Italy in Siena was again just right. A balcony and kitchen to keep us close to the heart of the city and exactly the right feel.

#49 Sake Service

18 February 2021 // San Diego, California

One thing I want to do a much deeper dive into soon: Seaweed.

Specifically, kelp farming.

Here’s some base knowledge I want to build on: as plants that can photosynthesize, kelp plays a big role in drawing down carbon. Carbon is a big problem for the ocean, too, which has grown 30% more acidic.

Kelp farms can buffer the impact of storms against the coast, and they are the building block to marine biodiversity.

#50 Brulee Flight

19 February 2021 // San Diego, California

There’s a big difference between actually solving a problem and solving the way we feel about a problem.

I just released a video on YouTube (link in the bio) exploring the myths around recycling. I spent a few weeks researching and writing it and it became clear that a lot of our environmental services weren’t designed to effectively eliminate waste or pollution, as much as they were designed to make people feel better about the problem.

The same pattern plays out in a lot of pushes for racial justice. It’s a lot easier to make the symbolic change (rename the mascot, hire some cast members of color) than it is to make structural changes (prison abolition, reparations, etc.) I do think public sentiment and symbols are important, but their impact is also different than the impact made by structural change. (That’s a whole nother video sometime)

I don’t think this only applies to society and culture. At a personal level there are a ton of other examples of how solving a problem can be different than solving how we feel about a problem. It’s a distinction worth paying more attention to.

#51 Moniker Cup

20 February 2021 // San Diego, California

I wanted to try to be the Anthony Bourdain of Tik Tok.

But at a time when travel remains out of reach.. The Asian supermarket remains a constant.

Thank you, 99 Ranch, for being an outlet for my need to explore internationally in some fashion.

#52 I got the Shot

21 February 2021 // San Diego, California

So a very good thing happened to me today...

We’re now Deanna: 2, Philippe: 1 in dose counts. It’s not all over yet, but the light at the end of the tunnel is very much real. Also, the scientific spectacle in my arm is pretty incredible.

I saw two posts online this week.

One expressing fatigue at having run out of energy to keep up the Zoom calls and a lack of new things to say. It’s virality was an indicator of how widespread the exhaustion is.

The other came from someone who works at the hospital where they treated the US’ first patient. “I wish you all could see what I see everyday,” she shared. “This thing will end. We’re doing it!”

With a little more frequency, I can dream up the sights and smells of layover airports, movie theatre lobbies, and black box theatres.

Fatigue. Grief. Optimism. It’s all valid.

I don’t think any of us are really the same people we were a year ago, and though I’m sure the feelings are complicated, I hope that difference has been for the better.

Here’s to never taking community for granted, always looking out for the most vulnerable, loving the process, and being a little more like the person Ted Lasso makes me want to be.

#53 Kick Up

22 February 2021 // San Diego, California

I read somebody’s description of Anthony Bourdain recently. It described him as a perfect example of what it means to be a kind person but not necessarily a nice one.

It also reminded me of how sometimes people use the language of peacekeeping and niceness in a way that assumes the presence of peace, or that things are going relatively well for most people. What may seem like the nice thing to do in these conditions can actually be very harmful if that isn’t actually the case.

Oftentimes what some of us think of as peace isn’t really peaceful. Or it isn’t readily available to all.

#54 Laying Out

23 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Is recycling BS? ♻️ I’ve heard a few times that recycling just doesn’t do as much as we might think. Eventually I decided to look into it.

I learned...

♻️ ...that just two years ago, our whole global system of managing recycling collapsed.

♻️ ...that this collapse triggered diplomatic feuds between Canada and the Philippines, France and Malaysia, the US and Cambodia...

♻️ ...that recycling was initially invented by the plastic industry to avert regulations.

#55 Striped Support

24 February 2021 // San Diego, California

NPR’s Throughline podcast has been running quite an excellent podcast mini-series right now.

They’re doing a three-part mini series exploring the lives of Octavia Butler, Marcus Garvey, and Bayard Rustin for Black History Month.

I started with the Marcus Garvey episode and I learned so much about his history and his contributions towards Pan-Africanism. Looking forward to diving into the rest of these.

#56 Camerawork

25 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Before Black History Month comes to a close, I’ve got to share my three most recent reads, all of which I’d recommend.

📙

Caste is getting all kinds of buzz, and deservedly so. Isabel Wilkerson looks at three applications of Caste: Nazi Germany, racial stratification in the US, and the assigned castes of India. One short lived and brutal, one ancient but persistent, and one I’m living in. This read was sobering but not fatalistic, and an important reminder of what can happen when we’re asleep to how inequities persist.

📕

How to Fight Racism is full of good reminders and a helpful, accessible read for someone wanting to turn their concern into action. Jemar Tisby has helped me learn so much about the church’s complicity in slavery and segregation, and I think this book is an important follow up to some of his work to show how faith communities can break those cycles.

📗

Then there’s The Color of Law. Housing segregation is the main vehicle for so many community level inequities- including educational disparities, overpolicing, public health, and environmental justice. It’s tough to keep track of all the acts, historical events, and court rulings that led to this. This book helpfully highlights a bunch of them. It’s important to talk about, so even though the history here is complex it’s worth the time it takes to try and understand.

#57 The Castle House

26 February 2021 // San Diego, California

When I was reading The Color of Law, some figures stood out to me. As a whole, poverty has gotten better. Many people do have more resources and this can make it seem like we’re making progress. At the same time, relative poverty has been very static. If a person was in a certain income bracket thirty years ago, their kids are most likely in that same bracket right now.

I think this would stand out to us more if we had a relational understanding of poverty, rather than an individual one. The starting point for taking action can’t just be programs and activities.

Poverty really stems from broken relationships. Perspectives that begin with seeing people in poverty as inherently lazy or deficient are a part of this problem. Injustice and oppression come from these broken relationships. When the powerful and comfortable exclude marginalized people, the relationship is dysfunctional.

The ways people in poverty have to submit to those in powerful- through inhumane working conditions, through being valued for their labor rather than their humanity, they become treated as non-persons.

#58 Tennis Ball

27 February 2021 // La Mesa, California

I’ve been reading quite a bit about different ecological themes, and one outcome is that a visit to the Amazon truly shot right up my bucket list.

It’s amazing to me how rich and vibrant and full of different kinds of life that area is. It’s just as complex vertically as it is horizontally.

The amount of sunlight and moisture that affects how everything grows and operates varies so much based on how high or low you are in the ecosystem. This makes everything dynamic and constantly adapting against each other.

The rhythm of the Amazon is full of sex and survival. Life is abundant, and so the mating process calls for showing up even louder than competitors. Birds delve towards loud mating calls and bright colored plumage. In almost total contrast, there are also so many predators in the jungle that there’s a premium on camouflage creatures that can lay low.

I know I’ve got to see this.

#59 Wandavision

28 February 2021 // San Diego, California

Today, I decided to surprise Deanna with a day trip to Disneyland. They opened some of the park to walk around in and order meals to go. Entry was free and people did a decent job masking, distancing, and all that. The most popular attraction was easily this Wandavision photo-op. What a good day.

2020's Lessons

One of the best ways to redeem a year like this one is to actually take the time to think through the lessons it had for us, to articulate the things we see differently from last January, and to make simple but doable plans for incorporating those lessons into our lives. Here are a few things that really sunk home:
⁣
💠Clarity is an act of kindness in a complex world. Sometimes we hold back saying important things for the sake of avoiding controversy. We veil our thoughts and true selves behind ambiguity. That usually serves no one but ourselves.

💠Whenever you speak up about things that matter, there will always be some who just won’t get it. Don’t worry too much about that. Definitely don’t let it stop ya. Just keep working on cultivating an ecosystem built on your values.
⁣
💠Fear, anger, and sadness are valuable gifts that keep us safe, orient us towards justice, and remind us of what has value. Toxic positivity cuts us off from these gifts.
⁣
💠Our Creator has given us everything we need… not just for survival, but to THRIVE. Don’t let the “running the world like a business” mindset trick you into seeing scarcity, instead of abundance and connection.
⁣
💠You come to life when your pursuit of joy and your pursuit of justice get intertwined.

💠Don’t fear death, but don’t be its ally. All of us are vulnerable to how uncertain life is. That should be all the more reason to spend our lives serving the most vulnerable.
⁣
💠 Productivity shouldn’t be confused with purpose. Our culture has DEEPLY wired us to find value in our output. Relearn those instincts. Enjoy the process.
⁣
Happy New Years to ya. Happy to share this wild ride.

Ethical Storytelling

I got into international nonprofit work because of effective storytelling. I was moved by some really powerful documentaries and talks. But the longer, I stay in this work, the more I’m also concerned about ethical storytelling.

I’m glad problems like poverty porn and the white savior complex are being talked about more. At the same time, it can be easy to lose sight of why ethical storytelling matters.

It’s not to avoid criticism. It’s not to be the “good guys.” It’s not for the sport of calling others out.

It’s all about the humans on the other side of the screen who have entrusted us storytellers with something special.

I still have plenty to learn, but I made this video knowing the things I have learned are important, and the sooner other storytellers adopt more ethical practices, the better off we’ll all be.

Grieving Is Healing

This morning, my half-Asian son and I got to watch the swearing in of a half-Asian Veep. So many feelings.

I think the platform of a politician is a strange one. We should hold our leaders accountable, but not in a spirit of awfulness that makes us lose our humanity in the process. We should be able to admire good qualities in a leader without giving into political idolatry, which is partly to blame for so many of our current problems.

All that to preface me saying something I truly like about Joe Biden. The man is proficient in grief.

In 2014, after a shooting and stabbing at my alma mater killed six, Biden offered the White House’s sympathies, sharing words I’ve heard him say a few times: “One day their memory will bring a smile before it brings tears.” Almost exactly a year later, Biden would lose his son to cancer.

I can’t imagine some of the losses Biden’s had to endure, just like I can’t imagine so many of the devastating posts I see nearly every day of friends losing parents, grandparents, or siblings.

Nothing heals that isn’t grieved.

I’ve used that phrase so many times this year because it’s so descriptive of the current stretch of my journey. I’m a natural optimist. I don’t like to dwell on feelings like sadness. And yet, I keep rediscovering the value of lament and grief. It thickens our skins while softening our hearts. It pulls us closer to each other. And it opens the door for healing.

We have so many things we need to heal from. A pandemic. A recession. Tribalism. Racial injustice. The tragedy of losing 400,000+ to COVID. The tragedy of losing too many friends and family members to conspiracies and warped visions of the world.

And I think that’s why some of my favorite parts of the inaugural ceremonies were the silent prayers, the prayers of confession, and the evening of remembrance that preceded the event.

I started this post as a happy one, and even though it turned into a mini-essay on grief, today was a great day. And I’m hopeful for days ahead.

MLK is not a Permission Slip

Celebrate MLK. But do so in a way that doesn’t reinforce the systems and ideas that he fought against.

Don’t just pick a feel-good quote from the Reverend and be on your way. Understand the context of the quote. Was it from a speech? A letter? A sermon? What happened in America to move him towards these words?

Don’t just be satisfied with an image of King as a universally loved saint. Examine why he was one of the most hated men in the USA during the 1960’s. Unearth the claims and arguments people used against him, and compare them to the counterarguments that come up in modern day conversations about race. Notice anything?

Joyful Fatherhood

I remember his first three months. I always thought that non-stop sleepless nights would be one of the biggest challenges of parenthood. And it was a little rough, but it was also really sweet. Those 3:00 AM moments of holding him until sleep took back over were special.

And then it was over. He started sleeping through the night. And he grew to a point where we have different challenges now, and different moments of sweetness.

Before Rhys was born, I asked a friend with college-aged kids what his favorite stage was. He said he couldn’t answer, they were all great. For whatever reason, overly-diplomatic answers tend to bug me, but that one makes sense, especially now.

One of the most helpful things for me to remember about fatherhood, and probably life in general, is that you go through all these stages. Each one brings things that are really, really hard, and things you absolutely love. But the thing to remember is that none of them lasts too long.

The challenges of each particular season come to an end. That can be a comforting reminder during those really long and difficult days.

But you don’t want to rush the ending. There are also a lot of sweet moments that you’ll only have access to for that season.

Biologos Feature

A lot of people now know NIH Director Francis Collins as Fauci’s boss, but for a long time my family has directly benefited from his genetics research. He’s a co-founder of BioLogos- a platform dedicated to a love of faith and science, and I was beyond thrilled when I was asked to contribute a piece to their growing climate change focus.
⁣
🌿🌄🔬
⁣
Here’s a snippet:
⁣
“Scripture talks about how all of creation groans as a result of sin, injustice, and a broken relationship throughout all of creation. Redemption, then, is also meant to take place throughout all of creation. Fighting climate change is an essential way to participate in this process.
⁣
Unhealthy ecosystems mean that women have to walk longer to get clean water. Infertile farms mean that children—usually daughters—are taken out of school to work. Poor ecological health drives parents in Central America or Southeast Asia to seek other opportunities, often in informal labor, resulting in dangerous migrant journeys or a vulnerability to trafficking and exploitation. Ecology has also been a vehicle for systemic racism, with the most polluted ZIP codes housing majority Black and Hispanic populations.
⁣
The Sermon on the Mount promises good news to the poor, hungry, mourning, and the excluded. Visit a rural community in Ethiopia, Myanmar, or the Dominican Republic, and you’ll find lots of poverty, hunger, mourning, and exclusion. Much of it stems from our climate crises.”

This Too, Is Life

It’s so easy for me to get impatient for some unspecified time in the future when things are better… easier. But it’s been really important for me to remember not to disengage from the current moment- it’s turmoil, grief, and even joy.

I think that every day of this year so far, I’ve heard a friend share a devastating loss.

A grandparent who passed away.

A parent.

A friend who went missing.

Add that to the social and political state of crisis, the exhaustion of the pandemic, and the deprivation of so many things that bring us joy, and I think it’s safe to say we’re all pretty much in a season we can’t wait to put behind us.

I know we’re all looking forward to the point on the horizon when “all this will be over” and it’s frustrating to not even have a clear sense of when that will be.

I think it’s important to remember that this moment is also life. And so much of like actually happens in these moments we wish we could skip right past.

I’m trying to say this in a way that doesn’t exude toxic positivity. If this moment is especially brutal for you, it’s fine and actually healthy to have all those feelings.

But I also find myself needing the reminder that this too is life. I don’t want to spend my time so focused on some post-pandemic, less tumultuous future, that I look up and see that I’ve practically shut off for another year of my marriage, a year in my kid’s life, even my dog’s life, that I won’t get back.

Things are rough, but there’s still some joy I don’t want to miss out on. This is life right now.

January 2021

#1 Pine Valley

01 January 2021 // Pine Valley, California

Hello 2020.

The Lazaro Family in 2021:

🔰 Rhys’ favorite song is EASILY exile by Taylor Swift and Bon Iver. Nothing is as safe of a bet to calm a fussy mood as that tune. Proven against a comparison group of every other song.

🔰 Deanna and Philippe are concurrently reading the book Educated... which is the very first time we’ve successfully read a book at the same time in 10 years of friendship/dating/marriage.

🔰 We’ve both been on a journey throughout last year of redefining our relationship with work- doing things we are really passionate about is a gift, but it also gets really tempting to overassign your value to what you do. That journey continues, but I know we’re at a much healthier spot versus a year ago.⁣

🔰 Rhys loves going “out...” anywhere that’s out. And he’s figured out how to ask for it by handing us his shoes. It doesn’t matter if it’s late and ten minutes til bedtime. 🤔 Who did he get this from?

🔰 Deanna named two meals I made last week among the best I’ve ever made: sake glazed salmon and Christmas fillet mignon. Guess I’m on a hot streak! No wonder she got me a wok for Christmas.

#2 Sandstone Climbing

02 January 2021 // Del Mar, California

Some goals for this year:

Don’t subscribe to a new podcast without unsubscribing to another. Give LinkedIn another shot. Show four artists some love via Patreon. Blow up my to-do list. Refinance the house. Expand Meatless Monday into Tuesday. Read from Jesmyn Ward & Octavia Butler. Pump your fist when you get to see Shang Chi and Raya and the Last Dragon.

Visit the Hoh Rainforest, Alaska, and whichever country outside the US we can get to the safest and soonest. Figure out how to redeem those travel vouchers from last year. Learn about moss. Learn about housing segregation. Learn Japanese cooking. Taste good mezcal. Learn how to make map animations. Get back to making videos- two a month, and make Rhys some toys.

#3 San Dieguito Trails

03 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I did something kinda big and a bit unexpected to start the year. I blew up my to do list.

I keep a spreadsheet, with a bunch of well-organized task lists to keep me on track and making progress. I’ve used some variation of it for at least five years.

Now it’s gone.

It seems impulsive, and it’s kind of the opposite of what all these productivity gurus talk about around this time of the year. But, it also felt right.

Among the many things last year taught me were the value of rest, how to disconnect my value from my outputs, how to be less defined by my work, how to bask in the present moment within each day, and how quickly time escapes when you have your head down.

I’m hoping the freedom from the rigidity brings some of those lessons to life.

#4 Civita Park

04 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I really love reading year-end lists. Of all sorts, whether that’s your Spotify Wrapped screenshots or Barack Obama’s favorite reads. So, I’m sharing a few of my own.

It was a much lighter year for me in terms of reading… mostly thanks to Rhys being pretty young for the first chunk of the year. I also didn’t get to as much fiction as I would’ve liked. But writers like Austin Channing Brown and Kiley Reid helped me be better mindful of the antiracist work to be done, and writers like Lori Gottlieb and Deray McKesson made me very grateful for life.

Each year, I typically include a list of most memorable meals, and this year it definitely reflects the kinda-funny, kinda-sad fact that I didn’t do much traveling or eating out. But it’s a very tough time to be in the restaurant world, so I decided against omitting it.

I made a music-listening goal to add more international, non-English music into my playlists, and I reaped the reward of that. Lido Pimienta (Colombia), Hamaki (Egypt), KOKOKO (DR Congo), and Tomás del Real (Chile) were some of my favorites. It was also a really appropriate year for melancholic indie songwriters, which might explain all the plays Soccer Mommy, Phoebe Bridgers, and Waxahatchee got.

#5 Asian Market Run

05 January 2021 // San Diego, California

You know how a lot of people have a “word for the year” that they pick out at the start then live into? Yeah… that’s never worked out for me. I’ve found it much more helpful to find a “word for the year” when in retrospect, as a way to see where the last year has taken me.

My word for 2020 was VOICE.

I’ve always admired quiet leaders, but early in the year, I felt myself challenged by the idea that my call to leadership might look different. I’ve always loved organizing ideas into words, whether through speaking or writing. I started to see this as a gift. And if I didn’t use it for good, it would be wasted.

I started to try my hand at more ambitious writing. Lengthy scripts on climate change. Bolder video scripts. Then… when the year started to go off the rails… I really felt the urgency around using my voice in bolder ways than I was used to. To comfort those who were experiencing the communal pain and hardship more acutely.  To challenge those whose privilege was getting in the way of loving their more vulnerable neighbors. To rail against racism and to help us imagine better ways.

Learning how to be a good steward of your voice is a never ending process. But here’s some of what I learned.

💠 When you find your voice, it won’t be for everybody and that’s fine.

💠 It’s not about having a massive audience. It’s about being a good steward of the audience you do have.

💠 This isn’t black-and-white, but often, spending too much energy and time refuting bad ideas backfires by giving them more attention.

💠 If you have a tendency to associate wisdom with speaking less… don’t let that bias you towards thinking being silent is always the right thing to do.

💠 Using your voice isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about helping people find what they need… hope, resources, direction, a challenge, a different perspective, or something else.

#6 Making Dashi

06 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Tuesday night, every post I came across seemed focused on Georgia’s runoff. The tone shifted from tense to optimistic to celebratory. And at the end, amidst all the Stacy Abrams praise and quotes from Rev. Warnock was one very different in tone from a Black friend in Oregon.

“Get ready for the backlash.”

I’ve learned that my Black friends have the clearest perception of our country’s reality. Twelve hours later I logged off a work meeting to scenes of the capitol being infiltrated by terrorist militias. 

To be honest, it’s hard to find the words for this one. I know I just posted about the importance of using your voice. When I do so, I try to find the words that people need to hear, and to make the invisible visible.

It’s hard to find words when all of this happened in such plain sight.

It’s hard to find words when none of this is new to the marginalized communities who’ve warned of this for forever. Or when the people who open the gates to terror, or the ones who benefit from it, cling to every bit of flawed reasoning that allows them to stay open. Or when the same seeds of misinformation that grows into this is the same garbage so many people I know pump into their eyes and ears on a daily basis.

Words matter. Using your voice matters, and using it to catalyze action is necessary. But if today that seems murky, step one is simply feeling it all. My favorite quote by Henri Nouwen reminds me of the importance of thick skin and a soft heart. “While we live in a world subject to the evil one, we belong to God. Let us mourn, and let us dance.”

A few simple reminders are still worth the time:

• Comparisons to political unrest in Latin/African/ME countries are rooted in racism and undermine the U.S.’ role in fostering those.

• Now is not the time to tone-police or gaslight BIPOC reactions. You can try again never.

• The work means drawing the line between what you see on screens and what you talk about at dinner tables, practice in the workplace, and allow into your lives.

#7 Work From Home

07 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I think that every day of this year so far, I’ve heard a friend share a devastating loss.

A grandparent who passed away.

A parent.

A friend who went missing.

Add that to the social and political state of crisis, the exhaustion of the pandemic, and the deprivation of so many things that bring us joy, and I think it’s safe to say we’re all pretty much in a season we can’t wait to put behind us.

I know we’re all looking forward to the point on the horizon when “all this will be over” and it’s frustrating to not even have a clear sense of when that will be.

I think it’s important to remember that this moment is also life. And so much of like actually happens in these moments we wish we could skip right past.

I’m trying to say this in a way that doesn’t exude toxic positivity. If this moment is especially brutal for you, it’s fine and actually healthy to have all those feelings.

But I also find myself needing the reminder that this too is life. I don’t want to spend my time so focused on some post-pandemic, less tumultuous future, that I look up and see that I’ve practically shut off for another year of my marriage, a year in my kid’s life, even my dog’s life, that I won’t get back.

Things are rough, but there’s still some joy I don’t want to miss out on. This is life right now.

#8 Japanese Cookbooks

08 January 2021 // San Diego, California

You can’t treat a disease properly if you don’t diagnose it.

You can’t heal what you won’t name.

I’ve spent so much of my life studying and visiting places that have dealt with civil wars, deeply divided societies, and post-conflict eras. Colombia. South Africa. Southeast Asia. One thing that stands out to me is how much effort reconciliation groups put towards getting victims to name what happened to them, and getting perpetrators to name their actions and what led to their behaviors.

Why such an effort towards simply recounting the past? Why isn’t the focus on putting it behind them, finding something new to unify around, or going back to how things were before the conflict?

Because there is no true moving forward without naming what happened.

And by going back to how things were, you’re simply taking on the preconditions of another conflict.

There is nothing to be gained from words crafted with the goal of ambiguity. With flowery language that seems to allude to some event both vague and drastic. With calls meant to police the emotional reactions to our moment of crisis instead of addressing the systems and norms and ideologies behind violence.

These lessons I’ve learned from the broader world will need to be taken back home.

#9 Mission Hills

09 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Reconciliation without repentance doesn’t work. 

This theme has been so, so present in my personal life, and now it’s highly visible in the social and political sphere.

Repentance isn’t just feeling bad about what happened. It’s validity is marked by a thorough reorientation of your life, perspective, and decisions that led to the problem in the first place.

It’s not enough to feel bad or ashamed of a wrong that happened. Shame isn’t even helpful, especially if it simply drives you to look away from the events that occurred in the first place.

If you want unity, healing, and all these things that have simply turned into buzzwords… accountability matters. Without it, the cycle continues.

#10 Asian Market Snack Break

10 January 2021 // San Diego, California

It’s so easy for me to get impatient for some unspecified time in the future when things are better… easier. But it’s been really important for me to remember not to disengage from the current moment- it’s turmoil, grief, and even joy.

#11 Smoochy Rooch Kombucher

11 January 2021 // San Diego, California

A lot of people now know NIH Director Francis Collins as Fauci’s boss, but for a long time my family has directly benefited from his genetics research. He’s a co-founder of BioLogos- a platform dedicated to a love of faith and science, and I was beyond thrilled when I was asked to contribute a piece to their growing climate change focus.

🌿🌄🔬

Here’s a snippet:

“Scripture talks about how all of creation groans as a result of sin, injustice, and a broken relationship throughout all of creation. Redemption, then, is also meant to take place throughout all of creation. Fighting climate change is an essential way to participate in this process.

Unhealthy ecosystems mean that women have to walk longer to get clean water. Infertile farms mean that children—usually daughters—are taken out of school to work. Poor ecological health drives parents in Central America or Southeast Asia to seek other opportunities, often in informal labor, resulting in dangerous migrant journeys or a vulnerability to trafficking and exploitation. Ecology has also been a vehicle for systemic racism, with the most polluted ZIP codes housing majority Black and Hispanic populations.

The Sermon on the Mount promises good news to the poor, hungry, mourning, and the excluded. Visit a rural community in Ethiopia, Myanmar, or the Dominican Republic, and you’ll find lots of poverty, hunger, mourning, and exclusion. Much of it stems from our climate crises.”

#12 San Diego Scene

12 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Even though this month has been a really bad one in terms of pandemic fatigue and hearing so many friends share their devastating losses, it also does feel like I can start thinking more about how things will change as the world reopens and re-emerges.

I have so many thoughts around that.

I am definitely not the same person I was at the start of this moment. I think of how when we all into lockdown I had this four month old. Then a month into it, I celebrated my 30th birthday.

Becoming a dad, starting my 30’s, and seeing the world completely disrupted all in the same window of time will always kind of be a bookmark in my life. There’s a distinct before and after.

There’s so much I don’t know about how certain details in my life will look, from work to childcare to our day to day living, and that’s okay. We have our needs met, and I’m more okay than ever with holding plans loosely.

But I think dreaming is a healthy thing and I’m finding it easier. And I know I’ll be so much more appreciative for adventures big and small moving forward.

#13 Sparkling Wine Kit Kats

13 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I know time with people and around people is a valuable thing. A frustration of mine from before with American culture has been how little time people make for each other. It’s easy to see someone every day in a professional setting without ever getting the time to know them outside that setting. It’s easier to express interest in meeting up rather than to make room for it.

So I hope to do this differently. I want to make time for others. Showing up to different social events and more one on one coffees or beers. I might want to make sure I do one thing a week that is oriented around connecting and meeting new people. I know it’s tricky with a kid, but my wife and I both recognize this is a need, so we’ll get creative.

#14 Seth Godin’s Books

14 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Recently I saw something one of my favorite illustrators posted.

She’s an extremely successful illustrator, especially known for making illustrations based around lettering and food. She has a massive social media, she’s a in demand interview, by all accounts she’s made it.

I saw her share about recently turning thirty and acknowledging that her lifelong dream was always to become a chef. And while in many ways she’s already been extremely successful, in an arena right next door to being a chef, she still recognized that there was a stone left unturned.

And on her 30th birthday she announced that she would be pulling back from illustrating- just a bit- to focus on culinary school. That struck a chord with me.

Life is short. It’s long enough to do a lot, but it also moves fast. And it’s too sacred to not go after something you really want to do.

Sometimes I think we get too wrapped up in the idea of success- like it’s only worth doing things if they’re clearly tied to success, which is usually defined financially. Or that those are the things worth prioritizing.

I know survival plays a role in all this. But one of the things this year has made me more aware of has been how important it is how fragile life is. And I want to make sure that the moments that make up my life are largely ones I can treasure and savor, and to me, that means doing more things I simply enjoy for the sake of the process, and not just because of the result they might lead to.

#15 Rice Miguela

15 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Rhys is a climber. He’s always doing daredevil stunts and needs a vigilant set of eyes. His energy level demands much more than what being quarantined in a small two-bedroom condo can provide. 

I remember his first three months. I always thought that non-stop sleepless nights would be one of the biggest challenges of parenthood.  And it was a little rough, but it was also really sweet. Those 3:00 AM moments of holding him until sleep took back over were special.

And then it was over. He started sleeping through the night. And he grew to a point where we have different challenges now, and different moments of sweetness.

Before Rhys was born, I asked a friend with college-aged kids what his favorite stage was. He said he couldn’t answer, they were all great. For whatever reason, overly-diplomatic answers tend to bug me, but that one makes sense, especially now.

One of the most helpful things for me to remember about fatherhood, and probably life in general, is that you go through all these stages. Each one brings things that are really, really hard, and things you absolutely love. But the thing to remember is that none of them lasts too long.The challenges of each particular season come to an end. That can be a comforting reminder during those really long and difficult days.

But you don’t want to rush the ending. There are also a lot of sweet moments that you’ll only have access to for that season.

#16 Park My Ride

16 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I always used to joke that my dream job would be to host a food show on the Travel Channel, or a travel show on the Food Network.

This interest goes beyond food; it’s just a convenient vehicle.

What I really love is introducing other people to different parts of the world, the things that happen there- from the unthinkable to the indescribable- so people can feel a sense of wonder around the good things and a sense of urgency against the bad.

And now I’m realizing that this dream, or something like it, is a lot more accessible than I’ve been giving it credit.

I have so many of the tools I need to do this. I have a camera. I have the gear. I have a deep curiosity about the foods of the world. I can’t travel yet, because of the pandemic, but we’re getting there.

I have the means of distribution through social media and YouTube, and while I’m not anticipating being a mega-influencer (nor do I really want that), it makes it way more fun than just making videos for absolutely nobody. And I have some technical skill, though I plan to get better just by doing it over and over.

What’s funny is my job is already adjacent to my dream job! I already have a job that has me creating content and video related to ecology and international issues.

So, I guess I just plan to do this more intentionally. I plan to make more videos that are like, half way in between a vlog and a documentary. More info-rich than the former, more personal than the latter.

I already wrote up this huge and constantly growing list of ideas I want to turn into videos someday, and when I can do so again, I plan to mesh these creative projects with my travel.

But I’m not waiting until then, I’m already getting started by making a couple videos each month to build the habit and to take on the challenge of doing what I can remotely.

#17 Paint and Potted Plants

17 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I don’t know anyone who would use the word fun to describe the past year. These have been some really hard times.

The pandemic, being trapped at home, the economic uncertainty, all that is only a fraction of the challenge.

For me, the harder thing to see is how these challenges have brought out the worst in people. Seeing totally normal people I know get swept up by conspiracy theories like a rip current, seeing tribalism turn people violent, seeing people refuse to do the bare minimum to keep others safe and instead insisting that they’re the ones being persecuted… really believing that… seeing no accountability for those who’ve stoked these fires…

It’s easy to wonder… are we really better than this?

If I base my answer off what I’ve seen on the news and on social media the past few months, my answer would have to be no.

But

If I base it on what I’ve seen in the world, in person, in my travels… the answer is a resounding yes!

The family in Morocco that invited me to join them for a dinner to break the Ramadan fast when I got lost hiking…

The mom in Eswatini who realized the trip I was trying to make to the mountains was super long and let me stay overnight…

The refugee parents and grandparents in Thailand who deeply love their kids…

The resilient communities of Haiti...

Yeah, so much needs to change and it’s hard to figure out exactly where to begin.

But I love the concept of doing what you love to end what you hate, and to me, that’s opening eyes to the wonder of life and the planet and people across cultures, reminding us that we’re connected, that this is beautiful, and it’s worth it to build bridges between people.

#18 The Cozy Cabin

18 January 2021 // Crestline, California

MLK Day is not a permission slip to feel better about racism.

Every Martin Luther King Day, you can expect a feed full of his quotes. Usually they’re quotes like: “Hate is too great a burden to bear,” and not these: “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”

The way we remember Martin Luther King matters.

Like Bernice King points out, “when you tweet about my father’s birthday & on #MLKDay, remember that he was resolute about eradicating racism, poverty & militarism & believed that the church should lead in that work.”

Don’t pick and choose MLK’s words to curate your preferred version of his legacy.

“The radical nature of his message seems to have been watered down into what people think he was—a gentle leader who advocated a non-violent approach to fighting for equality—instead of what he actually was—a passionate disrupter who constantly pushed boundaries and pulled no punches when calling out injustices of all kinds. Many Americans today would undoubtedly call him a "race-baiter" at best, and an "extremist thug" at worst.”

–Annie Reneau

A whitewashed version of MLK’s legacy will make you overlook ways the fight against racism continues in the present.

Don’t let MLK’s present-day adoration trick you into thinking that he was always seen this way. Do you really think MLK would be as widely approved of if he were alive now? Do you think you’d be as comfortable proudly quoting him?

Learn from the ways people tried to discredit MLK in the past.

• Trying to dismiss his message by linking him to communism

• Trying to dismiss his protests and marches as riots and looting

It’s really not hard to imagine how people who use these arguments to today’s movements would’ve likely sounded in the 1960’s.

Consider

✊🏾Skipping the feel-good quote in favor of one that genuinely challenges you. Go with one that so clearly applies to a community you speak to.

✊🏾Sincerely reflecting on the quote and engaging the implications it has on your world. Don’t just post and ghost.

✊🏾Looking to see who has picked up the baton and is continuing the work. See how you can support their present efforts.

✊🏾Using the day as an opportunity to do a self-evaluation of your own anti-racism work.

“We who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured."

#19 Strawberry Peak

19 January 2021 // Lake Arrowhead, California

Joy feels most accessible. Along with the hope that we can get unstuck from the past four years.

At the same time, I can’t quite echo the sentiment “We made it! We survived!” when not ALL of us can say the same. Not the two who were killed on a Portland metro shortly after the last inauguration. Not Heather Heyer. Not the parents who still don’t know where their kids are. We lost 400,000 to COVID. We lost too many friends and family members to the programming of conspiracy theorists.

#20 Rim of the World Way

20 January 2021 // Rimforest, California

This morning, my half-Asian son and I got to watch the swearing in of a half-Asian Veep. So many feelings.

I think the platform of a politician is a strange one. We should hold our leaders accountable, but not in a spirit of awfulness that makes us lose our humanity in the process. We should be able to admire good qualities in a leader without giving into political idolatry, which is partly to blame for so many of our current problems.

All that to preface me saying something I truly like about Joe Biden. The man is proficient in grief.

In 2014, after a shooting and stabbing at my alma mater killed six, Biden offered the White House’s sympathies, sharing words I’ve heard him say a few times: “One day their memory will bring a smile before it brings tears.” Almost exactly a year later, Biden would lose his son to cancer.

I can’t imagine some of the losses Biden’s had to endure, just like I can’t imagine so many of the devastating posts I see nearly every day of friends losing parents, grandparents, or siblings.

Nothing heals that isn’t grieved.

I’ve used that phrase so many times this year because it’s so descriptive of the current stretch of my journey. I’m a natural optimist. I don’t like to dwell on feelings like sadness. And yet, I keep rediscovering the value of lament and grief. It thickens our skins while softening our hearts. It pulls us closer to each other. And it opens the door for healing.

We have so many things we need to heal from. A pandemic. A recession. Tribalism. Racial injustice. The tragedy of losing 400,000+ to COVID. The tragedy of losing too many friends and family members to conspiracies and warped visions of the world.

And I think that’s why some of my favorite parts of the inaugural ceremonies were the silent prayers, the prayers of confession, and the evening of remembrance that preceded the event.

I started this post as a happy one, and even though it turned into a mini-essay on grief, today was a great day. And I’m hopeful for days ahead.

#21 The Karn House

21 January 2021 // Crestline, California

In so many ways the past year has helped me see clearly things that were broken.

Of course the pandemic revealed so many ways our systems were failing the most vulnerable people. The racial reckoning started to reveal how much more work needs to be done. Our political turbulence shows us the consequences of misinformation and not expecting better from the leaders we choose.

In my own personal life, this year helped me see some pretty concerning issues in certain relationships and dynamics. I saw areas of unhealth in work in family.

As we move to a new chapter, as we regain our abilities to gather and to go places, I think we’ve got our work cut out for us. The next chapter needs to include a lot of action to fix what isn’t working.

No doubt, this will be a long process.

I think the important thing to remember is that nobody does this all singlehandedly. You aren’t tasked with saving the world as much as you are with leaving your world better than you found it. And at the same time, enlarging your world. Making it more inclusive of people less like yourself.

#22 Grocery Lineup

22 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I got into international nonprofit work because of effective storytelling. I was moved by some really powerful documentaries and talks. But the longer, I stay in this work, the more I’m also concerned about ethical storytelling.

I’m glad problems like poverty porn and the white savior complex are being talked about more. At the same time, it can be easy to lose sight of why ethical storytelling matters.

It’s not to avoid criticism. It’s not to be the “good guys.” It’s not for the sport of calling others out.

It’s all about the humans on the other side of the screen who have entrusted us storytellers with something special.

#23 Windowbird

23 January 2021 // San Diego, California

When it comes to making videos, I’m just going for it. Of course I hope people watch and the work finds its audience and all that, because that opens doors. But if it takes a while to grow or if that audience never gets as big as I hope, that’s okay.

And that’s because one of my big interests is trying to be better at enjoying the process. Making the edits. The cuts. The scripts. Getting the shots and unearthing the stories in the first place.

#24 Native Plant Demo Lot

24 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I’m reading through Isabel Wilkerson’s Caste right now, and the girl at the bookstore was right when she said it would be an upsetting read. There is so much to be upset about how so many societies have been built on the subjugation of a marginalized group, and this is so deeply entrenched in the one I live in.

Not only that, but learning about how American racism was the inspiration for so many practices of Nazi Germany- the regime that stands as my lifetime’s benchmark for human attrocity- is especially disheartening. That and the fact that the biggest threat to a racialized caste system is the success of a lower caste. It’s a tough one to eradicate.

I’m still barely halfway through, and so there’s more to learn and more to see, but this is one of those moments where the work appears both unending and urgent.

#25 Teralta Park

25 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I’ve benefited a lot from Seth Godin’s insights, especially when it comes to culture, change, and creativity. So I decided to go on a mini-rally of reading a trio of his books. I appreciate how a lot of his ideas around influencing culture and building a movement can apply just as readily to activism as it does to business as it does to art.

Of these three, The Practice probably stood out to me most. I loved one of the questions it made me think about: “If we failed, would it be worth the journey?”

One of the key ideas there is that our industrial world is literally engineered towards outputs and productivity. But that orientation is easily soul-numbing, and leads us towards making choices that are bad for our souls, communities, and planet in the long term. Most of this book is about meaningfully engaging the process, not listening to the voices that make you want to hold back your big ideas, and doing the work.

That effectively built off of two key ideas found in some of Seth’s earlier books:

Culture is the declaration that “people like us do things like this.” Creating change revolves around telling stories that resonate with the smallest viable number of people your message resonates with in order to make your effort worth it. (This Is Marketing)

Leaders create movements by creating a culture and creating communication around a shared goal. (Tribes)

#26 ♥ Kirst

26 January 2021 // San Diego, California

On the morning of January 26, our Plant With Purpose family was devastated by the loss of our beloved friend and colleague Kirstie Hibbard in a tragic accident.

Kirstie lived a beautiful life, cultivating a strong faith, a vibrant community, and a profound sense of appreciation for God’s creation- especially the ocean. Kirstie often said that what brought her the most joy was being around other people. She loved and was loved by so many, including her parents, Doug and Kathie, and her sister Katie. She was a constant source of joy and encouragement for the entire Plant With Purpose family.

She began her time at Plant With Purpose as an intern, while attending Point Loma Nazarene University. She then joined the team full-time as our outreach coordinator before being promoted to marketing and events assistant. She had just begun her venture as a regional representative for Southern California, ready to cultivate our community through what she did best: helping people feel loved and valued. Kirstie coordinated volunteers, supervised interns, organized galas and events, connected with donors, orchestrated global prayer sessions, and did many other things all with great love. Her journeys with Plant With Purpose took her to Mexico and the Dominican Republic numerous times.

Before and beyond all of her titles and accomplishments, Kirstie was a beloved friend. Every member of the Plant With Purpose team is in some way better because of her presence.

Our team greatly appreciates your prayers as we experience this profound loss, and we ask that you lift up her family and friends. So many people who have engaged with Plant With Purpose over the past several years have had the blessing of getting to interact with Kirstie, and we share that grief as well. The impact of her beautiful life will continue far into the future. 

#27 rOADRUNNER pARK

27 January 2021 // San Diego, California

I’m struck by something Corbyn said about Kirstie on Tuesday when we all got the news.

“She made the most generous assumptions about everybody.”

That’s true.

And also, that’s rare.

In a world where we sometimes have to prepare for the worst in other people, we lose our ability to believe the best. I can’t fault anyone for guardedness, but also, deliberately choosing to live differently can be a subversive act.

I think that the idea of God being all-loving goes completely Hand in hand with the idea of God being all-knowing. Understanding the pain, the unique purpose, and the incredible potential buried in every single person would make them hard not to love.

In this way, our friend helped demonstrate to us how God sees us.

#28 jESUS mOSAIC

28 January 2021 // San Diego, California

What happens when you see others

With generous eyes?

In awe of other people

Aware that they’re life’s real prize?

We can celebrate the difference

That somebody makes

Or make someone feel better

About human mistakes

But won’t folks take advantage

When you see them this way?

You’d be mistaken if you think

It’s naïveté 

Choosing to see the best version 

Of each person you meet

Helps that person grow

It’s like planting a seed

That you water with friendship

As you shine your light

And as people grow

They’ll prove you right

You’ve made the world

More kind, caring, and wise,

Because you saw others

With generous eyes

#29 bALBOA Arches

29 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Today I’m reminded that there are so many more ways to make an impact than what I’m used to hearing about.

Impact isn’t always about quantity. It’s easy to be inspired by those who have changed the lives of thousands. Millions. But those who have had a profound impact on six or seven people will have had just as important of an impact.

Impact isn’t always about solving dramatically urgent problems. Simply shining light on somebody’s day does a lot more heavy lifting than we’d ever realize.

#30 Dog BeACH bEM

30 January 2021 // San Diego, California

Gotta get that childcare bread.

K, I’ve never heard anyone string together that phrase exactly, but it’s the one I’m feeling tonight.

Daycare is expensive! And I just learned that an affordable option we were hoping to lean into when the pandemic is over won’t be available until at least October.

I’m not sure exactly where that leaves us. Daycare alone is expensive, not to mention that it doesn’t include the cost of somebody for a simple date night, or account for the fact that we’re on the cusp of outgrowing our condo.

There’s a part of me that believes it’ll work out somehow, because, it always has.

There’s a part of me that feels daunted by the prospect of continuing this weird work and parenting multitask juggle for another year.

There’s a part of me that can’t believe how much money all these pretty basic things cost.

There’s a part of me wanting to try some sort of creative solution to boosting up our income- or even figuring out how to do a quick sprint towards the $30k that would allow us to rent out some investment property.

We’ll figure it out somehow. We can do hard things. Especially for Rhys.

One day, I just might write a book about the relationship between urgency and patience, but for now I’m thick in the middle of learning about how those two things go hand in hand.

#31 Ocean Healing

31 January 2021 // San Diego, California

It’s for sure one of my favorite topics to talk about with other changemakers. 

I usually think of this tension as one at the heart of making a meaningful impact on the world. The problems we wish to solve are urgent, but the real lasting solutions don’t take effect overnight, thus the need for patience.

But I’m starting to see how this also really applies to personal development too. You don’t need to rush to get all the good things in your life like they’re going to escape. Like John Steinbeck said, nothing good gets away. We don’t need the scarcity mindset.

But at the same time, our time isn’t infinite. And it certainly is precious. You wanna be a good steward of that gift.

So how can you tell when you’re taking your time and being patient versus simply wasting that time and being a poor steward when you could be doing something different?

I’m trying to figure that out. But here are some questions that are helpful:

Whose life do you make lighter, brighter, or deeper by showing up to your daily life?

Can you keep doing it? For how long?

Would your be happy with your past week as a representative sample of your life?

Is there somebody who urgently needs your that you currently can’t tend to? What’s the barrier? Is it worth the cost of crossing that barrier?

Coup

Tuesday night, every post I came across seemed focused on Georgia’s runoff. The tone shifted from tense to optimistic to celebratory. And at the end, amidst all the Stacey Abrams praise and quotes from Rev. Warnock was one very different in tone from a Black friend in Oregon.

“Get ready for the backlash.”

I’ve learned that my Black friends have the clearest perception of our country’s reality. Twelve hours later I logged off a work meeting to scenes of the capitol being infiltrated by terrorist militias.

To be honest, it’s hard to find the words for this one. I know I just posted about the importance of using your voice. When I do so, I try to find the words that people need to hear, and to make the invisible visible.

It’s hard to find words when all of this happened in such plain sight.

It’s hard to find words when none of this is new to the marginalized communities who’ve warned of this for forever. Or when the people who open the gates to terror, or the ones who benefit from it, cling to every bit of flawed reasoning that allows them to stay open.

Words matter. Using your voice matters, and using it to catalyze action is necessary. But if today that seems murky, step one is simply feeling it all. My favorite quote by Henri Nouwen reminds me of the importance of thick skin and a soft heart. “While we live in a world subject to the evil one, we belong to God. Let us mourn, and let us dance.”

A few simple reminders are still worth the time:

• Saying you expect this kind of political unrest in Latin/African/ME countries but not here is rooted in racism and undermine the U.S.’ role in fostering those.
• Now is not the time to tone-police or gaslight BIPOC reactions. You can try again never.
• The work means drawing the line between what you see on screens and what you talk about at dinner tables, practice in the workplace, and allow into your lives.

VOICE

You know how a lot of people have a “word for the year” that they pick out at the start then live into? Yeah… that’s never worked out for me. I’ve found it much more helpful to find a “word for the year” when in retrospect, as a way to see where the last year has taken me.
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My word for 2020 was VOICE.
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🗳🎤📝
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I’ve always admired quiet leaders, but early in the year, I felt myself challenged by the idea that my call to leadership might look different. I’ve always loved organizing ideas into words, whether through speaking or writing. I started to see this as a gift. And if I didn’t use it for good, it would be wasted.
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I started to try my hand at more ambitious writing. Lengthy scripts on climate change. Bolder video scripts. Then… when the year started to go off the rails… I really felt the urgency around using my voice in bolder ways than I was used to. To comfort those who were experiencing the communal pain and hardship more acutely. To challenge those whose privilege was getting in the way of loving their more vulnerable neighbors. To rail against racism and injustice and to help us imagine better ways.
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Learning how to be a good steward of your voice is a never ending process. But here’s some of what I learned.
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💠 When you find your voice, it won’t be for everybody and that’s fine.
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💠 It’s not about having a massive audience. It’s about being a good steward of the audience you do have.
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💠 This isn’t black-and-white, but often, spending too much energy and time refuting bad ideas backfires by giving them more attention.
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💠 If you have a tendency to associate wisdom with speaking less… don’t let that bias you towards thinking being silent is always the right thing to do.
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💠 Using your voice isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about helping people find what they need… hope, resources, direction, a challenge, a different perspective, or something else.

2020: The Good Stuff

I really love reading year-end lists. Of all sorts, whether that’s your Spotify Wrapped screenshots or Barack Obama’s favorite reads. So, I’m sharing a few of my own.

It was a much lighter year for me in terms of reading… mostly thanks to Rhys being pretty young for the first chunk of the year. I also didn’t get to as much fiction as I would’ve liked. But writers like Austin Channing Brown and Kiley Reid helped me be better mindful of the antiracist work to be done, and writers like Lori Gottlieb and Deray McKesson made me very grateful for life.

Each year, I typically include a list of most memorable meals, and this year it definitely reflects the kinda-funny, kinda-sad fact that I didn’t do much traveling or eating out. But it’s a very tough time to be in the restaurant world, so I decided against omitting it.

I made a music-listening goal to add more international, non-English music into my playlists, and I reaped the reward of that. Lido Pimienta (Colombia), Hamaki (Egypt), KOKOKO (DR Congo), and Tomás del Real (Chile) were some of my favorites. It was also a really appropriate year for melancholic indie songwriters, which might explain all the plays Soccer Mommy, Phoebe Bridgers, and Waxahatchee got from me.

The Lazaros in 2021

The Lazaro Family in 2021:
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🔰 Rhys’ favorite song is EASILY exile by Taylor Swift and Bon Iver. Nothing is as safe of a bet to calm a fussy mood as that tune. Proven against a comparison group of every other song.
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🔰 Deanna and Philippe are concurrently reading the book Educated... which is the very first time we’ve successfully read a book at the same time in 10 years of friendship/dating/marriage.
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🔰 We’ve both been on a journey throughout last year of redefining our relationship with work- doing things we are really passionate about is a gift, but it also gets really tempting to overassign your value to what you do. That journey continues, but I know we’re at a much healthier spot versus a year ago.
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🔰 Rhys loves going “out...” anywhere that’s out. And he’s figured out how to ask for it by handing us his shoes. It doesn’t matter if it’s late and ten minutes til bedtime. 🤔 Who did he get this from?
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🔰 Deanna named two meals I made last week among the best I’ve ever made: sake glazed salmon and Christmas fillet mignon. Guess I’m on a hot streak! No wonder she got me a wok for Christmas.

Soul

don’t cry very often, but a disproportionate amount of times I tear up are at animated movies. Some of them just play to the feels. Here’s my reaction to Soul.
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First of all- I loved it. And I’m not surprised by that at all. Pete Docter and the Pixar crew taking on existential questions about life’s purpose featuring a bunch of jazz? Yes please!
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My main takeaway from watching this was that a lot of us spend our days waiting for our “big break,” whatever that means for us- and it’s tempting to think that this is when our lives will really get good. Really, life is made up of ordinary but still sacred moments. Having a passion is a good thing, but it’s not really our purpose.

My favorite was the barbershop scene, featuring someone whose dreams didn’t work out but who still found a way to love his life. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend who took a big risk to launch a music career. “I’ve had to ask myself if I’m willing to accept what happens if this dream doesn’t come true,” she told me.
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Sometimes I get tempted to keep holding back until I get a “big break” which is kinda silly, given that I’ve already had a few of my wildest hopes come true. But I’ve been on this journey for a few years of trying to focus less on results and to love the process more. This year was a great teacher.
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Did you see Soul yet? What did you gain from it?

Christmas 2020

Merry Christmas from this wild, tree loving, adventure hungry crew.
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🌲🌲🌲
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It’s just the three of us this year, plus Beignet of course. As much as I love full houses packed with loved ones, and adventures as far off as I can think of, it feels really, really right to embrace the fact that today is a simple, intimate one for this team. I hope today can be whatever your soul needs it to be.
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Now to spend the rest of the day obsessing over my new Japanese cookbook and skillet, saving Rhys from a few head bumps, grooving to the Jingle Jangle soundtrack, and finally getting to watch Soul.

Trikafta

When I was recapping the best things that happened to me in 2020, I left out the biggest one because… this story takes a little more space to tell.
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In early 2016, Deanna got sick. Like, really sick. Her lung function dropped to 22% and we had to spend a week in the hospital. It was only our eighth month of being married, and it was scary. By later that year, she had recovered fairly well. She even ran a half-marathon with me a few months after being discharged.
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Then in early 2018, she got a pretty bad lung infection that needed IV antibiotics. She recovered, then had another in October. In 2019, she had two infections that needed IV antibiotics while pregnant with Rhys.
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This pattern was really concerning, and I tried to not worry about what would happen if it continued over the course of the next few years, but your mind goes there, especially when starting a family.

Then, on the very same week that Rhys was born, this new drug came out. It was the first of its kind, using genetic therapies to treat the underlying causes behind all the infections. The trial results and early testimonies from people who used it almost seemed too good to be true, so I tried not to get my hopes up. And we held off on taking it for a bit, not knowing if it was breastfeeding safe.
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Then a pandemic broke out in the spring and being vulnerable to lung issues, we wanted every defense we could get. Deanna started taking it in April, and the effects have been a real game changer. I no longer hear the regular, everyday coughing I’d gotten used to over the past few years.
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I can breathe more easily about my family’s future, and Deanna can, very literally, breathe more easily.
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The two biggest prayers of my life were answered in October 2019.
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I know everyone is doing their own version of grieving and healing after this year, and so many terrible things happened. But it was also a year where I got to see a health breakthrough, and my kid grow up. Here’s hoping our story has something in it that helps you with your own.

Figuring It Out

You don’t have to have it all figured out.
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In a more ordinary version of late December, I spend a lot of time looking forward to the next year. Thinking about all the trips and adventures to look forward to, setting parameters around some ambitious project, and making a bunch of lists. But right now, we’re looking at a whole lot of unknowns.
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I don’t totally know what my work and creative projects will look like. Childcare is going to be a huge question mark, and so are some financial things. I don’t know what trips are coming and or when.

One of the many, many things this year has taught me has been the sheer value of taking things on one day at a time, and simply doing things the way you need to for that particular day. Our over-industrialized world tends to forget the value of mystery, but, what good is a journey when every single move is scripted and there are no surprises?
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The best way to take on an adventure is with just enough strategy to make things happen and just enough spontaneity to improvise when the surprises come.

Work on the Ecosystem

How many times have you looked around at people’s thoughts, behaviors, or words lately and thought, “wow, things need to change.”
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“We have a lot of work to do.”
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I studied both communication and international studies. Two of my big interests continue to be the way people send messages to each other and the way the world changes. I’m especially interested in the crossroads of those two things: how do people communicate in a way that influences how the world works?
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I think lately, it’s been easy to look at how various messages get used to incite division and create mistrust. But, I’ve seen enough moments of change around the world to know it can be used for good.

Here’s the idea I’ve been working with lately: you don’t need to convert every single person from a wrong idea to the right idea. You literally can’t. Trying to do this and zooming in on every individual debate opportunity is a recipe for burnout and discouragement. Instead, you can work on creating an ecosystem where better ideas thrive. To play with that metaphor, it’s better to heal the soil than to prevent every single plant from dying.
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Successful movements like suffrage, abolition, and LGBT rights didn’t rely on a strategy of getting every single person to listen, understand, and accept their message. They instead shifted the ecosystem, making it a little easier for people to come on board year-after-year.

🌐 It’s why I think creativity is a key ingredient to changemaking.
🌐 It’s why I spend a lot less energy on unproductive debates and focus more on amplifying worthy messages.
🌐 It’s why I increasingly see clarity as kindness.
🌐 It’s why I think beauty- something that gives us no choice but to collectively stop and marvel- can create change.
🌐 It’s why I think creating from a place of empathy and knowing your audience matters.