Philippe Lazaro
OCTOBER 2016

Javier in Viota

When Javier was 16, it was right at the peak of civil conflict between armed groups in Colombia. One day, he was kidnapped right from school by a militia.

Javier’s family came to try and negotiate his release, only to be told they no longer had a son.

“For two years, I took my time. I saw others try to escape and get killed in the process. I studied everything I could observe. I worked to earn their trust. I tried to do tasks to help, usually cooking but sometimes other things.”

I infer from his tone that the ‘other things’ were way more difficult to talk about.

“Then I made my escape.”

Javier’s escape plan had to be perfect. He knew he would only get one shot, with no margin for error. Thankfully, he played his cards just right.

I think about Javier’s story a lot. We met when I was in Colombia a few years ago. After he shared all his experiences from the peak of Colombia’s civil conflicts, he then invited me on to his coffee farm. We had lunch together, and he and his wife even offered a taste of their unbelievably good homemade coffee liquer.

February 2024

Okay, can I just go off on February 2024 for a little bit? This past month was ridiculous!

The hardest part was going without 40%-ish of our childcare support for most of the month due to travel plans, road closures, and health. Deanna and I had a few days a week of taking on all three kids by ourselves for long chunks of time. We both dealt with this while being sick and trying to mend. For me, it was the worst I’ve gotten sick in recent memory. On top of that, we had to deal with power outages at home a few different times.

In spite of that, I somehow ran five half-marathons. All on Thursday mornings before work. One while recovering. One during a flash flood warning.

I played three improv shows, including my class graduation show.

I started interviewing media teams in Thailand for an upcoming project, and planning two international trips.

And we got a visit from some of our closest friends.

I don’t want to glorify busyness or not taking care of yourself. But sometimes life gives you no choice but to power through. Now time for some serious naps and spicy ramen all throughout March.

Mezcal in Mexico

Oaxaca on the mind. Specifically Jose, and his home bar he built himself.

Right next to the counter is a large distilling vat, and inside it are shelves stocked with some rare and incredible mezcal. The whole thing is rock solid, would probably endure an apocalypse, and have plenty of mezcal to share with fellow survivors.

I got a bottle of jabali mezcal from Jose that was absolutely amazing. Unfortunately it was a casualty of moving with at least half the bottle left. Tragic.

Some of the best things I've learned from improv

About a year ago, I did something I’d been meaning to for a very long time.

I started improv classes.

I loved doing improv as a student in high school and college. But that was a really long time ago. As I’d been spending more time on stage, mostly talking about climate change and things, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t taking myself too seriously. My silly side really needed to play. And with the kids a bit older, I also wanted to make sure I was doing something for my inner child.

Signing up for those classes was an unambiguously good move. I started looking forward to my Wednesday nights as a high point of every week… a little bit of playtime! And I met some amazing people who’ve become real good friends. They make me thankful my start got put of for years so I could wind up meeting them.

While I’ve always been comfortable doing the things improv generally entails: getting on stage, thinking fast, etc., I wound up learning so much through the proper training and courses, and like most people who’ve gone through them, I’m now a pretty big advocate for them.

Here are some of the best things I’ve learned.

Bring a brick, not a cathedral

This was the first improv adage that we really focused on. One player does not need to come up with the entire scene or carry the entire weight for making it funny. In fact, more often than not, that creates awkward dynamics to watch on stage. Instead finding your contribution and letting it stack up alongside others’ bits is the way to go.

In my past improv experiences, I probably erred on the side of going a little to cathedral-ish. And I started to notice in my own ~life~ I often went this route, having a harder time easing up control over projects that I really cared deeply about.

Trust yourself as a performer

Okay, after a few months of doing improv classes, I felt a cold streak come on. I felt really stuck in my head, trying to follow all the new “rules” I was learning while still being playful and keeping it fun. But on the inside, I felt like I wasn’t bringing a whole lot of energy to the stage.

One thing my coach mentioned continues to stick with me. 

Just keep up with the basics of good scene work. The funny will come. You’re here because you have a distinct sense of humor and style that got you this far. It’s just about trusting yourself and putting yourself in a position to let it out.

I love this tip! Not just as an improviser, but as a parent, a storyteller, and a broad-level creative. You won’t always feel like you’re doing all you’re capable of, but trust yourself. It’s in you.

Everything is anchored in emotion and relationships

Upon entering a scene, the two most important things to establish are the relationship between people in the scene and their emotional responses. Of course those two things are related. Our emotions and relationships really shape each other.

At one point in classes we were encouraged to only play with characters who’d known each other for a few years. Really? I see so many scenes set in restaurants and taxis between people who just met! That surprised me and made me think we’d get stuck playing parent-child relationships, lovers, or siblings over and over again. And in some ways we did, but there’s a wealth of material there.

Now sometimes, I’ll go into a scene only knowing one thing: the emotional response I want to play with. If I decide it’s going to be sadness, then I’ll choose sadness even when the other character said something that isn’t obviously sad. That sets us up to spend a whole scene exploring why.

Understanding the importance of relationships and emotion in improv have helped me better recognize their significance in my life off-stage as well. These are the things that color our lives, beyond the details.

Fall and figure it out along the way

Yes, the most basic thing about improv is that it’s being made up on the spot.

But, you’d be surprised how easy it is to get stuck in your head. To try and start scripting and problem solving from the side of the stage just before you go on. It’s especially tempting for me, since as a writer, I’m often thinking in terms of three act structure and plot resolution

But, you really do want to stay in your body, hear what your partner is saying, and most of all, get out of your head. Again, this doesn’t just apply to improv. Practicing this in real life helps you be present, responsive to the others around you, and mindful.

A great performer is a vulnerable performer

One of my coaches really encouraged vulnerability, noting how much vulnerability correlates with a strong performance. It completely checks out.

Doing just about anything on stage or in public, putting your work out there, is already a vulnerable act. If you’ve made it that far, you might as well see how much more vulnerable you can get without going a bit too far.

In improv, this manifests itself in mysterious ways. A tendency to play parents who are nothing like the kind of parent you want to be. A weird recurring theme you can’t shake, that you end up exploring again and again. In life, being vulnerable reminds us that we don’t connect with each other through our feats of strength. Our pains and anxieties are far more effective.

Elevate your C Game

Nothing beats the feeling of going into a theatre pumped, locked-in, and ready, then putting on a show and absolutely killing it. Bringing the peak performance you know you have in you, while also coming across a few gems you surprised yourself with!

If only it could always be this way. Do anything long enough and you’ll have the high from nights like that to keep you coming back for more. But you’ll also have nights when you aren’t feeling it quite as much. When you’re distracted by something that happened earlier that day. When your body’s energy level is that much lower.

I’ve realized that great athletes, artists, and performers thrive when they don’t just work on their A game, but also their C game. Learning how to raise the quality of their mid performances so they can still be meaningful and valuable until the next time your A game comes around.

My life at the improv theatre has been a real highlight for me over the past year, and I’m extremely thankful for it. Most of all, I’ve been reminded of how when you do what you love and you look for the others, you meet some of the coolest people. Even though I’ve only known my improv teammates for about a year, they’ve become lifelong friends.

Improv might not be for everybody, but I’d say it’s worth trying even if you’re just on the fence. It’s brought so much good to my life.

Juniper at the Cat Cafe

Every week I try and take one of my kids out on a special daddy date. It’s a good way to make sure we’re getting quality time amidst the chaos that is our usual life.

One of my all time favorite outings will always be the time I took Juniper to a Cat Cafe. If you know this girl, you know she loves her cats. And she was absolutely in her element in this spot.

Improv Graduation

Improv is cool because you spend a lot of time pretending to be Daft Punk wanting to come clean about your identity, or a teenager wishing Kevin James was your dad, but also, it’s pretty good for you. Learning to have each other’s backs and be adaptable and all that.

If nothing else, it’s a more acceptable place for my smart-assery, so a year ago, I signed up for classes. Last night, my team had our graduation show!

Getting back into improv is something I had in mind for years. I loved doing it in high school & early college. But that was ages ago. Procrastination, pandemics, parenthood… you get it. But I’m lowkey grateful for the delays because it put me on the same track as my Metal People teammates. You make some great friends in the improv world and this squad exemplifies that.

We actually like each enough to be doing a bonus class as we launch as an indie team. We’ve got something like a half-dozen shows in the works over the next few months so stay tuned for some dates!

Niksat

“Niskat, an age-old practice in Ethiopia, should be thought of as a kind of body art like tattooing.

Young girls, particularly in the northern regions of Ethiopia such as Tigray, Gondar, and Gojjam, get Niksat drawn on their faces, necks, gums, and hands.”

–Getahun Asnake

When I encountered this woman in Amhara, I couldn’t resist complimenting her ink. You know how I am with tattoos in other cultural contexts. I love how so many different people around the world practice tattooing and have such diverse rituals and meanings around them.

For the most part, tattoos are religious in nature. Crosses are prominently featured. Necks are often decorated with intricate chain-like patterns.

It tends to be a more feminine tradition, as the most traditional tattoo artists were often older female. In the late 2000s, there was even a legendary tattoo artist in her mid-80s, who was something like the Apo Whang-Od of Ethiopia. In some regions, its mostly women who get tattooed, while in others both men and women are decorated.

Hold space for pain, not blame

It’s been a really intense time in our world for the past few years.

A podcast I was listening to yesterday talked about how global conflict is at an 80 year high. Unless you’re quite old, you’ve never lived through a time where so much of the world was engaged in a war of some sort.

It’s a challenging thing to accept because in many ways my lifetime has coincided with an unprecedented period of peace for humanity, but the past few years are a very unwelcome step backwards.

Palestine and Ukraine are the places that most people have been struck by, but we’ve got like 30 ongoing episodes of mass violence. Places like Armenia, Haiti, DRC, Ethiopia, Sudan are having really heated crises fly under the radar partly because of our own biases in what we pay attention too, but partly because I think we’re burnt out on keeping up with all this.

I’ve noticed a lot of people struggle to talk about these things and to process them. It’s hard for me too, and I essentially got degrees to do just that.

As difficult as it is to talk about these things, I think it’s important to keep trying to have the conversations.

The movie Zone of Interest is all about a father trying to build his family a dream home right next to a concentration camp at Auschwitz. I think trying to ignore everything going on and live our ordinary lives simply because we struggle to wrap our heads around things is kind of like that.

When we see images of violence and horror inflicted on totally vulnerable people, children… responding to it isn’t so much about having the right words. It’s about reaffirming our shared humanity.

I want to share two big observations I’ve made over the past few years, as I’ve tried not to look away from all that’s been happening,

I also want to share a couple of ways that’s impacted the posture I take when taking in all of these images and having conversations.

It basically comes down to resisting the blame game, and making space for people’s pain.

First of all, it’s very easy for conversations about war to be all about whose actions are justified because of what the other side has done before. One example:

Four years ago, it looked like things were really going to escalate when a U.S. drone attack killed one of the highest ranking Iranian officials.

There was a lot of talk, like, well, since you’ve done this, you’ve given us no choice to retaliate, but the U.S. was kind of like, the reason we did that was to retaliate against this other thing you’ve done, and this is kind of how things work when you have two powerful countries that are hostile but not at war.

If you were to trace all of the moves and counter-moves back throughout history, one of the most important dates you’d run into would be 1979. That was the year that a more fundamentalist regime took control of Iran and dozens of U.S. citizens were held hostage in that country for months. It was a really big deal, and as you see, it still impacts global relationships today.

One thing that strikes me as pretty interesting though is that 93% of Iran is below the age of 65. For the majority of Iranians, 1979 is either something that happened before they were born or while they were children.

From Gaza to Ukraine, if you pay attention to the rhetoric used to justify military actions, it’s usually a leader saying they’re trying to reset things to how they used to be. How they should still be. They appear to nationalism and nostalgia.

I remember one leader from Kenya, in response to the Russia-Ukraine conflict, saying that if the countries in Africa all decided to wage war in ofer to sort out getting each people group their rightful land back, the bloodshed would be unbelievable.

I understand people have a relationship with their land, and I get that this is of significance.

But as the Kenyan representative pointed out, our most urgent task is to find a peaceful way forward.

So what are you supposed to do, just concede to your opponents and let them walk all over you? I will say whole-heartedly that I don’t know. At the political level, how do you move in the direction of de escalation without jeopardizing your country’s safety or existence? I’m really glad it’s not on me to figure that out at a country level.

I do know that at the person-to-person communication evel, I can make sure the conversation is framed around the goal of building peace, rather than assigning blame.

The blame game is how these conflicts get passed from one generation to another, depriving the oncoming generations of more peace.

Conversations about our global conflicts are not abstract. They’re deeply personal. In many situations, people have ancestral ties to the groups of people under attack, and its a form of collective trauma to see that take place.

In other scenarios, people are just grieved to see all the ongoing violence and devastation on a regular basis. We’re not meant to take that in so steadily.

Because these conflicts are felt so deeply, we also need to remember to make room for people’s pain.

When we don’t make room for the pain, that really feeds and furthers the cycle of blame. When people feel as though their experiences, anxieties, or traumas are being seen by the world around them, it creates a stronger need to assert that anger.

More often than not, it turns into two sides trying to justify, rationalize, or downplay the pain felt by each other, rather than simply recognizing hurt where it exists.

I’m convinced that making space for the pain other people are experiencing, and the hurt and uncertainty that are in their worlds is one of the most radical re-humanizing choices we can make in our world today.

It’s easy to feel like much of our world and our conversation is basically a constant shouting match. But everybody has some sort of a rationale to what they do, even if it’s nothing we’d consider rational.

I don’t think everyone is in position to do this every time, but I really think there’s something to those times that I see somebody who I’m opposed to in many ways, but I recognize the hurt or the fear that drives their choices.  

It’s been a tough time for our world. Let’s give each other the space to simply lament that before rejoining that never-ending shouting match. And when we do talk and share the experience with others, let’s make sure to remember, it’s not about trying to win the blame game. It’s trying to make it so the atrocities we witness today don’t keep repeating themselves tomorrow.

My Taste in Fours

There was this little game going around Threads a couple months ago and it was fun enough to adapt for over here.

My taste in four categories:

4 Films:
🎥 Big Hero 6
🎥 Arrival
🎥 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
🎥 Before Sunrise

4 Series:
📺 Kim’s Convenience
📺 Ted Lasso
📺 Psych
📺 Maya and the Three

4 Music Artists
▶️ Sufjan Stevens
▶️ Gallant
▶️ Kendrick Lamar
▶️ Vampire Weekend

4 Books:
📖 Factfulness by Hans Rosling
📖 Pachinko by Min Jin Lee
📖 Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
📖 Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

Meeting the Mud Wrestlers of Kolkata

My time with the Kolkata pehlwani

I never really know where my adventures are going to bring me, but this has to be one of the more unlikely destinations!

At the Hooghly River in Kolkata, pehlwani have practiced the art of mud wrestling for centuries. It’s both a sport and a spiritual discipline, a flex of soul and body. While the sport is pretty much ancient, younger wrestlers aren’t taking to it like they used to, making it a dwindling tradition. That said, most days you can find a group of men at the river, wrestling in the sacred mud.

When I found out about the practice, I really wanted to see it. And I got an invitation! Not just an invitation to meet some of these wrestlers… but to join them!

The saga started with me arriving in time just to watch their warm-ups. Their use of old-school workout equipment caught my attention. The big weighted clubs used as dumbells in the 1900s were still in use here. I asked for a demo, and quickly learned what makes swinging them around such an effective workout. You feel it in your biceps pretty hard.

During warm-ups, I got to chat with a few of the wrestlers. I met Suraj, who was the head of this akhara, the local name for the practice center. He inherited the role from his father, who was a bit of a legend in the world of Indian mud wrestling. Jwala Tiwari was at his peak in the 1990s, competing in national level tournaments. Unfortunately, the sport had already begun its decline in popularity that continues until today. As younger Indian wrestlers preferred the modern mats, the practice saw fewer participants and smaller audiences. In order to keep his akhara running, Jwala Tiwari worked shifts as a parking attendant. Today it remains alive and under his son’s leadership as a result.

Attracting younger, newer participants remains a challenge. Many wrestlers begin in childhood, though that doesn’t quite happen like it used to. I did meet one man, who told me he was 39. I asked when he got started, and he also said 39. Thinking he misunderstood me, I asked again, but really this was his new midlife pursuit. He said that yoga was essentially his entry point. It was a practice about uniting body and spirit, and this felt like the next step.

This practice is rooted in Hinduism, particularly around devotion to Hanuman- the monkey deity of strength. “It’s all about power!” one wrestler told me. “Not for physique, not for four packs or six packs. Just power!”

Truly, a wide variety of physiques were represented at the akhara. From the rather slender to the fuller figured. But they made it work for everyone.

Since the mud is considered sacred, you can’t step foot on there without wearing one of the sanctioned orange loincloths. I was offered one so I could get better angles while recording some of the wrestlers sparring. And then my friend mentioned something else. They’ll even let you wrestle with them if you want!

I’ve never wrestled. No high school wrestling. I didn’t even grow up with siblings to play wrestle. So naturally, I suited up (or, down, I guess) and entered the mud.

When I saw who I was going up against, I was pretty surprised. Suraj himself. Leader of the Akhara. This is like putting the boss level of the video game immediately when you plug in the cartridge. Like, if Mike Tyson was your first opponent in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.

The bell rang. Somehow I lasted about two minutes in the arena… I’ve never wrestled before. I had a hunch that my opponent was just teasing me by letting me hang for that long, though. I crouched low. Low center of gravity, and all that. That was something I knew about. He pushed, and I pushed back. And as long as we did that, I managed to extend the length of a match I never really expected to win.

Eventually, he decided to stop drawing out the inevitable, figured out a move to flip me by the leg in just two seconds. Sheer stubbornness allowed me to put off being pinned down too soon, but it’s not like I had any real shot of flipping the script and pinning him down, so I gave in. But what a match!

After some more duels, we all had a cool-down session in the mud. The guys massaged mud into each other as a way of keeping cool. One offered to fix my back. I had no idea I had any issues with my back, but as soon as he applied pressure and I felt a dozen things snap into place, apparently I did.

We asked each other a few questions about personal life. They invited me to bring my kids next time. While I’m less than jazzed about the idea of taking three toddlers to Kolkata any time soon, they aren’t wrong about the fact that they would love being thrown around in the mud.

We finished with a cool-down rinse in the river.

A huge thanks to the Kolkata pehlwans for being such a welcoming crew!

Mud Wrestlers

At the Hooghly River in Kolkata, pehlwani have practiced the art of mud wrestling for centuries. It’s both a sport and a spiritual discipline, a flex of soul and body. While the sport is pretty much ancient, younger wrestlers aren’t taking to it like they used to, making it a dwindling tradition. That said, most days you can find a group of men at the river, wrestling in the sacred mud.

When I found out about the practice, I really wanted to see it. And I got an invitation! Not just an invitation to meet some of these wrestlers… but to join them!

Somehow I lasted about two minutes in the arena… I’ve never wrestled before. I have a hunch that my opponent was just teasing me by letting me hang for that long, though.

Shifting from "HAVE-TO" to "GET-TO"

I GET TO are three powerful words.

Any given day, there’s a handful of things we *have* to do, and then there are those things we *get* to do. You know?

I always imagined an ideal working life was one where you had a favorable ratio between those two types of tasks, where the get-to tasks outnumbered the have-to tasks by a good amount.

But I don’t think I see those two categories in as much of a binary way as I did before.

I realize that any given day, the bulk of what I do can go either way. If I look at the things I put on my list, they can go down as either a have-to-do or a get-to-do thing by the end of the day, depending on how I go at it.

This perhaps isn’t always the case, but for me, the difference between something I *have to* do and something I *get to* do is often a shift in mindset and the way I approach a certain activity.

I often find myself sitting down to do some writing with an uncomfortable intensity, knowing I want to hit a certain word count by a certain hour, and I won’t really feel great until I can check that off my list.

But this is a bit absurd when I remember that writing and being creative is one of my favorite things to do. And when I remember that I GET to write, it becomes much more enjoyable.

I’m already pretty privileged when I think about it. Rather than having to do something rote and physically demanding like much of the world does in order to earn my income and survive, I get to do things that I consider fun. Things I would do, albeit in a different way, if I weren’t being paid.

So how I can I keep that in mind?

“I Get To” on The Creative Changemaker

Time out! If you’re more of an auditory learner, or if you really like my face and would rather watch me hash this idea out, I do just that on the newest Creative Changemaker episode.

Be generous with the amount of time you give yourself to get things done.

I’m often a fast creative worker. At least I know how to be. In a pinch I can produce content relatively quickly.

That said… this doesn’t result in my best content.

And it certainly doesn’t result in me enjoying the process.

Few things take the fun out of an activity quite like cramming it into an hour long slot and telling yourself you must get it done in a crunch so your schedule can also take on four additional tasks.

Being overcommitted, having to rush through projects, and always working under pressure is a good way for making all of my work feel like something I *have-to* do, rather than something I *get-to* do.

These days, I try and block of at least an hour for most tasks, two if it’s an especially big project. I’ll block an hour for a video I could perhaps create in 20 minutes. What do I do with the extra time? In addition to all the mood-making stuff I also mention on this list, I can take a moment to visualize the project from a big-picture perspective, why it’s important, and what I think I’ll like about it.

Remember that you only get to do this so many times.

If you knew you were a basketball player about to play in your last game, do you think you’d approach it a little differently? You’d still play to win, of course, but you might also try extra hard to take in the sights, sounds, and smells as you went.

I try to bring this approach to my creativity, even to things I still expect to do a lot more in the future.

I started trying this out in improv classes at a time I kept getting stuck in my own head. I told myself that opportunities to play like this as a grownup are actually quite rare in life, and that this was my one class this week. I’d have to wait seven whole days to have this chance again. I might as well enjoy it.

Having the mental exercise of micro-meditating on the fact that any moment you can do an activity shouldn’t be taken for granted can help you remember to take it all in.

Diversify the energies your tasks ask of you.

One thing I appreciate the work I do is that it isn’t monotonous. I can mix up writing tasks with speaking tasks, being on camera versus editing my recordings.

One thing that will quickly drain me of the enthusiasm I could potentially bring to each task is to turn them into marathons… give myself eight hours of writing rather than two.

Of course there’s a level of efficiency that comes by batch working, so I sometimes will string together a number of writing projects, but never to the extent where that takes up more than one time block a day.

When I’m planning out a day, I try to make sure that I have a blend of tasks- some that require me to perform a bit more and some that are more grounded, thought-based activities. Making sure that I don’t need to force myself into the same headspace all day helps keeps me at my sharpest.

Use at bat music as a part of your craft.

I probably spend more time thinking about the decisions that baseball players and wrestlers make about their walk-out music more than I should.

But it’s kind of a big thing. That music gets people hyped for you. And if you choose well, it gets you hyped for what you’re about to do.

What would be the equivalent of at-bat music for a writer? Perhaps a Spotify playlist, a candle, a coffee mug, all tangible, aesthetic things that can still serve as a mood-setter.

I think almost any sort of craft, performance, or creative endeavor can find its own version of at-bat music to use.

Do it terribly for fun, first.

I have a friend who does vocal coaching. One thing that she likes to tell new singers is that you’re probably a better singer than you realize when you least expect it. When people are just goofing around on a road trip and singing along to pop hits, they end up doing a lot of things right from a technical perspective. They project their voice better, relax their muscles, and most of all, enjoy themselves in a way people don’t when they’re conscious that they’re performing.

What’s up with this? I have a few theories.

The reduced self consciousness probably works in their favor. So does the reminder to have fun. It probably reminds you that singing is actually something you get to do when you aren’t doing it under pressure.

It also gives you permission to fail. More than that. It gives you incentive to fail dramatically and hilariously. And that’s actually something that can be really healthy for creativity and performance.

Pay attention to people who excel while having fun

Finally, I recommend being inspired by people whose excellence and ability to have fun are intertwined.

Growing up, there were two kinds of athletes. There were Randy Johnson types, who when it was his turn to pitch would be absolutely scary. Just pure intimidation. Someone you do not want to mess with.

Then there was his teammate, Ken Griffey Jr., who played with swagger, hat backwards, blowing huge bubbles with his gum. Not only was he one of the best players of his generation, but it also looked like he was having more fun than anyone while playing. He was dunking on guys and clearly getting a lot of life from it. Baseball-dunking, of course.

I love it when it looks like people’s skill and enjoyment feed off each other. Daveed Diggs acting. Outkast performances. It’s a quality I’ve come to appreciate.

Changing your relationship with your work, your craft, or your art is huge when you go from saying “I have to do this” to “I get to.”

I’m not saying there won’t be times of frustration and challenge and stuff to wrestle through, but maintaining your love for the game, whatever your game happens to be, is one of the most important parts of art.

Storytelling With Dignity

The most satisfying feedback I get for my work will always be when people say they can see the dignity of the people whose stories I get to share. There are too many examples of stories where people’s traumas and tragedies are sensationalized. Walking the line of letting people know the reality of somebody’s hardships while still fighting with them to assert their human dignity is often a challenge, but one I make a high priority.

It’s also not just me doing this. In order to make sure people are aware of how their story will be used, comfortable opening up, and eager to share it, it takes a lot of help. From my teammates who do the logistical arranging, providing advance notice so people can dress their best, to the translators who work to get ideas across in tact. Fixers who help navigate the gray areas. Photo and video teams who understand sometimes you have to sacrifice efficiency to really connect with people.

A whole bunch of people share in the work of storytelling with dignity. And I’m glad it matters to every one of them.

Potato Sculpture Class

Creativity isn’t so much about having a craft you’re really good at as it is bringing a perspective into the world. Which is why it’s important to have a perspective that constantly evolves. And the best way to do that is by doing new things. Different things. Unusual things.

So recently, I took an online class in potato sculpting. My favorite thing that was repeated again and again… let the potato present itself. The form of a potato will often suggest what shape lies just beneath.

I made a lucky cat.

Rare and Reluctant Baby Advice

Things the baby years taught me

At the end of last year, our twins turned two! 

In some ways that marks the end of the baby phase, though it doesn’t always feel like it. (Especially this week).

Being a parent today means there’s no shortage of advice coming your way in every direction, most of it well-intentioned, a lot of it paranoid, and some of it occasionally helpful.

To be honest, I get turned off by the quantity, comparison, and unspoken perfectionism present in a lot of these pieces of advice, to the point where I have no interest in giving advice to other parents.

All that said, there are a few things I’ve learned that just might be helpful to others on the journey. To make myself feel better, please don’t think of this as advice. Think of it as a few notes to myself of things I’ve learned during these baby years, and if any of it is helpful to you too, so be it.

Tantrums are a lot less intimidating when you remember how infant/toddler brains work.

I’m a sucker for those parenting-meme listicles of “reasons my toddler is crying.”

(A classic? He doesn’t want to go… even though we’re not going anywhere.)

This early in the game, brains are growing, but not evenly. The parts that process emotions are much more developed than those logic centers. Knowing that helps you have empathy, even if the belligerent screaming is still overwhelming.

One other thing I’ve learned is that if a kid is in the right headspace, meaning still upset, but with some degree of control, you can help them along by giving them a simple task like repeating a pattern or counting.

This stimulates their logic centers and helps brain activity be a tiny bit more balanced. It doesn’t always work, but the times that it does will make you feel like a wizard.

Get on their level.

In some ways, I mean this literally.

During a meltdown, when giving instructions, or many other interactions, put in the effort to squat or kneel down to eye level with them.

But also, think about what the world looks like from their perspective. Mostly unfamiliar. Constantly new and overstimulating.

Those of us raising babies often envy and romanticize this state of existence where you don’t worry about work, bills, money, etc. But the sense of constant unpredictability and little control over everything? We have no memory of what that’s like, but it can’t be pleasant.

Being a toddler is a tough lot. Understanding this can help us draw upon our better angels when we need to.

Build that village.

I cannot overstate how valuable having a support system is when raising kids. I also can’t fathom how some friends and relatives with much less support get through these years.

One thing I appreciate and admire about many cultures I’ve interacted with is the strong, collective sense of responsibility almost every adult has towards every child. It’s allowed parents to overcome many otherwise unideal circumstances, and it reminds you how for most of humanity, parenthood was a much less isolated task.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some drawbacks. Philosophies on how to interact with children may differ, and there’s no shortage of opinions coming from others. But having kids grow up with a sense of surrounding community is a really valuable thing.

This is the kind of project that can start well before parenthood, but it can also kick off through interactions with parents at a similar stage.

Even if most of your closest friends and contacts don’t have kids and don’t think of themselves as kid-people, maybe they can put you in touch with others who can help. We found our nanny somewhat in-directly through a colleague with older kids who now lives in a different state.

You can frame almost everything as a decision.

It’s a little gimmick I learned long before becoming a parent. First as a clinician for an autism center, then later as a substitute teacher. You may be familiar with it.

Rather than a forceful you have to eat you can find a choice for the kid to make that still results in them eating. Do you want to start with the potatoes or the blueberries?

You yourself probably don’t care what they start with. But now they have agency over something. And a decision to make.

Over time you get good at this. Clean your room becomes books or trucks? We need to go to school becomes which seat do you want along the way?

And then you discover all these other ways your own life can be about reframing things into choices independent of parenthood, and that restores a greater sense of freedom.

Parenthood will test your partnership.

I suggest people talk about this more and anticipate it going into parenthood. It’s one of the most challenging things you can throw at a romantic partnership.

When you take a closer look, this shouldn’t be too surprising. In the process of raising your own kids, all your values, expectations for the future, and resentments about the way you were raised get unearthed. Add this to the fact that you’re probably more exhausted than ever, getting less sleep, and under more financial stress…

It’d probably be weird if you weren’t coming into more conflict!

Talking about this, normalizing it, and even anticipating it can be really helpful.

To be transparent, our first year with the twins seemed pretty tough on our marriage. And then I hopped onto a Reddit thread for parents of multiples and I realized we were actually doing okay. A lot of parents were struggling so much individually, let alone as a couple.

Seeing that normalized helped me reframe it as a storm to endure. Counseling, offering each other generous assumptions, and trying to take on a spirit of I-got-your-back goes a long way.

Anticipate and accept your shortcomings.

Speaking of ideals, it’s so easy to build up expectations for yourself as a parent. It’s probably even easier to do this ambitiously if you had a less-than-ideal upbringing yourself.

I suppose parenthood is an area of life where being ambitious to do well is a good thing. Just remember that perfectionism is off the table from day one.

You’re gonna screw up. You’ll hand things down to your kids you wish you hadn’t but it’ll be much too late by the time you realize it.

I think it’s healthy to have some of this anticipated up front. Not so we can be complacent in wanting to work on ourselves, but so that we can be even more self-aware of our shortcomings.

Often, aiming for perfectionism leads to either really bad burnout, or a straight up denial of ways things could be better.

Hope you enjoyed this one-time-only bit of non-advice. 

I really do not want to be a parenthood content account. I’ve just made a lot of mental notes to myself I thought should live somewhere on the internet for posterity.

My kids really are the best gift, as crazy as it gets most days.