Yesterday, we said goodbye to my Auntie Ella as she transitioned on from this life. The sadness of losing her is a reminder that saying goodbye is always tough, because she lived a very long, full, and beautiful life.
Every time I refer to her as my aunt, it feels like an understatement. She’s my hero. The person I’ve respected the most. Rhys’ middle name is adapted from hers.
Auntie Ella was born in the Philippines in 1933 to a farming family. Through hard work and generosity, she put her whole family on her back for years, decades, and generations. She saw every resource in terms of the difference it could make for others. As a result, so many people can say that their lives are forever changed because of her.
Including mine.
1. 1995
My dad passed away when I was five. He was sick for a long while and Auntie Ella invited us to stay in the house she owned in Philadelphia. I thought of it as my childhood home.
As he was coming to terms with the fact that he would not live to see me grow up, Auntie Ella assured him that he wouldn’t need to worry about me and my mom. She would see to it that our needs were always met.
It was a promise she delivered on. She, my Uncle Bill and my Auntie Fely helped provide immediate support when she became a single mother. And as I grew up, she continued to look out for me. Generous birthday checks. Tuition payments. Summer camp expenses.
When I went to college, they helped out with living expenses. And my freshman year, when I needed a car, they gave me a car. Their car. We went to the DMV to re-register it and she even paid those fees.
Her impulse to give goes way back.
2. MEDICINE
Auntie Ella moved to the U.S. to practice medicine in the 1950s. Being a female doctor in that era is already significant, as women made up only 5% of physicians. Being a Filipina doctor, new to the country, adds even more layers. And she was a good doctor and worked really hard.
Auntie Ella was so good to her family that it’s easy to forget that she was also a really good doctor. Her way of earning to help people financially was by helping people medically. Her medical work earned her recognition from the Mayor of Philadelphia.
She told me about that first visit back, and how sometimes she would be up until midnight to treat as many people as she could. And since the dollar went a really long way in the Philippines, there were just as many people looking for financial support.
3. FAMILY
Wanting to say yes as much as she could, Auntie Ella went back to the US and continued to work really hard at her medical practice. At one point she worked herself down to 80 pounds.
She was determined, though, to help all her siblings move forward. As the second oldest, Auntie Ella took on the task of caring for her siblings. Sometimes that was help with businesses or help with tuition, but as a result all ended up in better situations. My dad went to medical school, and followed her path of practicing in the United States.
Auntie Ella was so good to her family that it’s easy to forget that she was also a really good doctor. Her way of earning to help people financially, was by helping people medically. Her medical work earned her recognition from the Mayor of Philadelphia.
4. FLYING
She was selfless. But it does make me happy to know that she also had a lot of fun in life.
Later in adulthood, she married my Uncle Bill. Her stories of their dates are some of my favorites. While Auntie Ella often had a serious demeanor, Uncle Bill was her call to adventure.
He was a hobbyist pilot, she talks about being picked up for a date in his two-seater plane. They would go for brunch in Maryland… by whatever airfield gave them clearance to land. She was often worried about something happening to Uncle Bill while up in the air, so she took flying lessons herself.
The two married, and lived in an old youth camp in Pennsylvania. I remember spending some of my early summers there. They threw a big Fourth of July party every year, often turning up hundreds of guests. These were some really fun times.
5. GENEROSITY
I’ve worked in the world of philanthropy for a long time, and I’ve often interacted with people who routinely make five or six figure donations. Auntie Ella remains easily the most generous person I know.
One of the first things she did after that big move was arrange a medical mission to the Philippines. There she was able to treat hundreds of people, including a girl with congenital heart failure. On top of that, she helped family members start businesses, she helped build a library, and helped send a neighbor to seminary so the community could have a priest.
Whenever people suggested Auntie Ella spend more on herself, she remembered the challenges people faced, especially back in the Philippines, and her opportunity to do something about it. “It’s my cross to bear,” she would say.
And she would still end many of my phone calls or visits with the question… do you need anything?
As I got older, I tried to take them up on that less. But there were still times I would receive some big help. Like when we were paying daycare tuition for three kids all at the same time.
6. SISTER
Of course a big part of Auntie Ella’s story is her bond with my Auntie Fely. I’ve had nearly 20 aunties, but whenever I refer to “the aunts” we know which ones I’m talking about.
They were sisters, and roommates. And they were best friends. It’s a very rare bond they got, and one they got to carry for over 80 years. They were the last surviving siblings of my dad for a very long time, and from Bulacan to Philadelphia to LA, they went through a lot of journeys together.
As I’ve been going through her old photos, one of the things that’s made me smile a lot is seeing old photos of them on trips or at parties together from the 80s or 90s and recognizing that, yeah… they’ve been close like this for a very long time.
7. HISTORY
As Auntie Ella got older and entered her nineties, I appreciated our time together more and more. I also appreciated all that she’s lived through and seen. I’m thankful for her longevity, because it gave us 36 years of time together.
It’s unusual for someone my age to have an aunt, someone only one generation up who has firsthand memory of World War II. But I’ve heard her rattle off Japanese words and phrases, ones she picked up during the Japanese occupation of the Philippines. She shared memories of leaving the house and going out to the fields during bombings. And of bringing my grandpa food while he was being held as a political prisoner.
A few years ago she told me her stories of driving through the Jim Crow South in the 1960s, as a Filipina woman, a total conundrum for gas station clerks with segregated bathrooms. She would insist on just needing any bathroom.
8. TIME
I knew our time together wasn’t to be taken for granted. I tried to make visits as frequent as possible. One of the few upsides of the pandemic was that we spent a couple months living with them, while Rhys was just a baby.
Over the past couple years, I developed a routine of trying to take a monthly visit, bringing one of my kids with me each time. A bit of a rotation. Within the past year, I formed memories of Auntie Ella walking with Juniper to go dress shopping at the mall, or of her still being able to pick up Kai to give him a better view of her cooking.
I’m so thankful that Auntie Ella lived long enough to see my kids and to have gotten to see their personalities. Their lives too are better off because of her. I hope she’s already been sharing some of these stories with my dad about his grandkids.
Auntie Ella lived a very long and beautiful life. You can’t ask for much more, and yet, I’ll always miss her. Her memory will always be a reminder to give as much as I can, to put family first, and to save a little room to fly.