On Thursday we had our final doctors visit, which made it easy to think back to the first time we went in.
When we first found out we were pregnant, I didn’t really let myself believe it for a while.
Deanna showed me the positive test. I tried to remember... was it that you can get a false negative but not a false positive, or was it the other way around?
That evening, she got a blood test- totally by coincidence, since her leg was broken. That too, was positive.
But I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I wanted somebody with fancy letters after their name to let me know that this was for real for real for real.
And so two days later, we went in for our first OB appointment. They did an ultrasound. He was the size of a rice.
And I wanted to tell the world, but that would have to wait a few months. So many things that normally felt like a big deal felt silly on a day when I heard my kid’s heart for the first time. Whenever things seem to be getting chaotic or out of hand, I still take myself back to that day to remember what really matters.
Ready for You
Hey kiddddddd.
We’ll be hanging out this time next week, most likely. We can’t wait to welcome you into our fun-loving, stubbornly-strong-willed family. I get the sense you’ll fit right in to that.
I’m trying to soak up every spare moment of this sweet season. Everything around me feels like caught up in an atmosphere of warmth and sweetness, which is funny because most of the pregnancy has been like a wild mine cart ride.
But these days, peace almost feels tangible. What a moment we’re in.
Twenty Eleven
This decade ends in a few weeks. I’m gonna be remembering where each year of the 2010s took me- because when I look back, I can’t believe it all happened.
2011 was a year full of figuring stuff out. Travel, relationships, and faith were huge themes of the year, and in the moment it felt like each of these parts of my life were full of challenges. When I look back, though, I so fondly remember where they all took me. When I think of my closest relationships from the past ten years, this is the year where most of them really grew deeper.
I spent the first half of the year in Argentina. My previous year was full of trips that made me really feel like an explorer. Then I ran into several mishaps like getting hit by a car, or just dealing with the challenge of being distant from my people. It was a humbling adventure, but I think I left with a better balance of confidence, humility and street smarts.
The latter half of the year was spent living with close friends in a shared house and a few evolving romantic pursuits. I got the privilege of learning my way through the conflicts and trickiness that come with close relationships. After all, the worthwhile things are never easy.
Speaking of, all throughout the year, my faith was the core of my life. But that evolved a lot this year. Less dogma and more mystery. Less to prove and explain, more to do and to be wonderstruck by.
I Was Right
These days feel so surreal- our last few days in our world before kids. It’s weird thinking that there’s no real going back to this.
Over the weekend sometime, I rested my hand on Deanna’s pregnant belly. It brought me back to a moment from the summer of last year. We had been trying to get pregnant for about five or six months at that point, and another one had just gone by where we realized it wasn’t happening that month either.
“You’re going to be so cute when you get pregnant,” I told her, able to imagine so clearly how she’d look.
“If I get pregnant,” she corrected me.
“Yeah, sure,” I acknowledged half-heartedly. I was discouraged, but I’m also a stubborn optimist. I wanted to be open and humble to the fact that I wasn’t in control, but I also couldn’t let go of the feeling that it was supposed to happen.
Last night, as I felt his head and feet protrude, I remembered all that. This is really happening.
And our lives are about to change.
The Most Stressful Time
I thought last February was the worst month, at least while it was happening, but it’s pretty tough to say that now.
Deanna had broken her knee. She couldn’t drive, so I was giving her a ride to and from work before driving the opposite direction to my office. 🛣 It was about three hours of driving every day in total.
To make matters worse, we figured we’d buy a house but nothing really worked out. We already gave our old apartment complex the 60-day notice that we were leaving, but we had nowhere lined up. ⛺️ We were rushing to open houses on crutches while also looking at emergency rentals just-in-case. 📦 And packing.
We found a place, but moving twice in a month, packing, and taking care of Deanna was HECTIC. 📦📦📦 We also found a stray dog that we came super close to adopting, but that’s a whole notha thing.
When we finally moved out of our Point Loma apartment, it felt like the biggest relief. Like, I remember the sun shining that day while I hauled one last load into the truck feeling so glad that the month was finally finished.
A week later, we’d discover that we also managed to make a baby that month.
They say that if you’re trying you should try to limit your stress. But hey, if this is our kid, he’ll find his own way to do things.
Rep. Peters
I have a funny job.
One day at work might look like hanging out with Edgar- the Haitian teenager pictured in my last post. Another day is a visit from our rep in Congress.
Actually, this is one of my favorite things about the position I get to be in. I get to interact with a pretty wide sample of the human spectrum. From philanthropists who have quite a bit of wealth to villagers in some of the poorest communities in the world.
It’s always a reminder that people are people, even though our life experiences can look so different from person to person. It seems like this should be an easier thing to remember, but when you spend enough time online, you start to see how tempting it is to want to sort everybody into groups of people who are like us and those who aren’t. Or the good guys and bad guys.
All of us are more complex than that. Life can become a frustrating thing when you don’t leave some room for those complexities. One of the kindest things you can do to yourself and to people in general is to receive people as simply human.
Choose Your Sponsor
Have you ever sponsored a child? Or thought about it?
I’ve considered it. But it’s a more complex thing than people often realize.
When it comes to international development, the question of who gets to make a decision is always a big one. And a challenging one.
When you’re donor funded, then of course donors get a say in where their support goes. But also, development should happen WITH communities, not AT them. And the organizations that connect donors to communities should be able to leverage their expertise and structure in the most helpful way.
That’s why I’ve been intrigued by World Vision’s newest campaign. Instead of sponsors picking kids, it’s the other way around. I love the efficiency this brings to a program as large as theirs, and I love the way this creatively challenges assumptions about who makes decisions and why.
Even if something has historically produced great results, you can still re-examine it and see how to make it better with some creative compassion.
And I know I write long posts over here, but they’re still not long enough to capture my full reaction to them flipping their child sponsorship program upside down. So I took to IGTV/YouTube. It’s been a minute since I sat down in front of a camera.
Birthday Surprise Crew
Throwing a surprise party for Deanna isn’t always an easy thing. On Saturday I hid a bunch of our friends at the Windmill Food Hall for a surprise party. First she wanted to take a side trip an hour outside of town, then she wanted us to use a coupon for Buca di Beppo we’d been holding on to.
Finally I had to fake a craving for Belgian fries that nothing else could of satiate as a reason to insist on the food hall. Thankfully it worked.
Such a fun weekend of eating and exploring with Daniel, Joy, Caytlin, and Justin. Thanks for pulling this off, everybody!
Twenty Ten
Isn’t it kind of a trip how this decade is just about over?
It definitely is for me. Especially when I think about how it started and all the places it took me. I’m feeling a bit reflective these days, okay?
Ten years ago, I felt like I wasn’t really living. Not much of a sense of direction. I felt lonely and isolated. And it really hit me one weekend when an old friend came to visit and I realized I didn’t really like the life I had to show. And I felt like I was getting too old to keep waiting for life to start.
At the start of 2010, I decided to start taking a photo every day as a challenge to myself to live more intentionally. That was an outward decision rooted in a few deeper decisions.
I decided to receive each day as a gift and to make the most of it, saying yes, whatever it looked like that day.
I decided to take my faith seriously, by asking challenging questions and pursuing them with honesty.
I decided to see life as a story, built around a greater purpose, and full of layers and surprising connections.
The photo project was just a creative way to keep myself accountable to those decisions. And by the end of the year, it felt like the most richly lived year I could’ve asked for.
I met people who I formed real deep bonds with. So many of my closest friends now are ones I made that year. I spent months couch surfing, not just for the savings but for the chance to get to know different people. I took a trip to Turkey that unearthed my fascination with this world. I spent the summer in Italy, and later backpacked around Europe. I gained so much confidence I had been missing.
I often think of 2010 as my year of beginning. I started saying YES to life and ten years later I’m still amazed at what happened as a result.
Nursery in Progress
A little preview at our nursery-in-progress!
With the due date creeping closer, much of my creative energy has gone towards designing this nursery: putting together the crib, painting his wall mural, assembling a changing table, etc.
Actually, most of any kind of energy I have these days goes towards getting ready for the kid, but I guess that’s our new normal.
Deanna's 30!
It’s Deanna’s birthday!!
30. 💥💥💥
And to say this has been a big year would be the understatement of a lifetime.
Speaking of understatements, proud doesn’t even begin to describe how I’ve been feeling about Deanna all year. And beyond. I can’t imagine being with somebody more giving, more resilient, and more hope-giving. Despite every obstacle
So many people are alive because she does what she does. So many people’s lives are better because she is who she is. 🌎
I keep thinking how lucky our kid is gonna be to have his mom. And I can say that cause I’m the guy whose lucky enough to be married to her.
I get excited when this boy shows he’s got a mind of his own in utero. I want to take it as a sign he’s got her strong will and fighter spirit, and if he uses that the way she does, he’s gonna be on his way to great things.
Happy birthday Dee!
On Having a Boy
How’s it gonna be being a boy dad?
Most people now say they don’t care as long as the kid is healthy- and nobody’s gonna argue with that! But sometimes I like it when I hear people state a preference just cause of the honesty of the whole thing.
In my case, we didn’t have an outright preference, but there were specific things we’d look forward to either. For me, the personal experience of having been a boy at 4, 14, 20, etc. might make it a little easier to relate to the chaos of life at each of those ages. And of course, I can easily join in and geek out about stereotypical stuff like superheroes, bobcats, or baseball.
And then there’s my nephews! They’ve given me a pretty good taste of what to look forward to and they’d make almost anyone want a boy.
Most importantly, though, we need more boys who understand strength as gentleness, who value emotional intelligence, and who give to others with less opportunity.
Can’t wait, boy boy. See you soon!
Vampire Weekend
Wisdom’s a gift but you’d trade it for youth.
Walcott takes me back to driving around my senior year. Horchata takes me back to unpacking my bags my first day in Italy when moving into the yellow painted apartment. Step will take me back to spending the Fourth of July in London and my friend’s British dad grilling hot dogs to celebrate the “special relationship.” Harmony Hall takes me back to earlier this year, moving out of our old apartment shortly before discovering we were pregnant.
Vampire Weekend, thanks for being the soundtrack to most of my twenties and our last show before becoming parents.
I wondered if we would even get to use our tickets for this show or if our baby would try and make his way into the world to the tune of Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa. Thankfully we made it through.
Also, based on his in utero movements this kid loves concerts. That should be fun in a few years.
October Countdown
This is gonna be quite a month.
It’s wild thinking that life the way I’ve gotten used to it will become almost unrecognizable by the end of this month.
I’ve been excited to see our baby room come together, the crib built, the wall painted, and all the sweet gifts sorted out by size.
I’m also getting ready to leave Plant With Purpose for just a season- but it so happens to be the busiest season in the nonprofit world. By the end of this week, I hope to have everything lined up to run on autopilot for a little while.
And I’m sleeping in whenever possible.
I should note that I’m usually a pretty big fan of change. And this one in particular is one I’m loving.
Bravery at Woolworth's
“Don’t worry man, I’ll remember your order.
We’re the only two Asians anywhere near this place,” the bartender smiled.
A little while back I got to visit Woolworth’s in Nashville.
I got to sit at the counter where Rep. John Lewis was arrested for the first of over fifty times over the course of his Civil Rights career.
I got to have shrimp and grits at the site where older activists would tell younger students to brace themselves for all the hate that was about to come their way. They would remind them that nonviolence meant bearing whatever was to come.
This wasn’t the exact same restaurant. The historical site was acquired by a restaurateur in early 2018 and restored after its 1960s appearance. That was enough to make eating there quite a vivid experience.
Just before, I visited the Center for Civil and Human Rights in Atlanta, that had a simulation of the original Woolworth’s. You could sit on a replica barstool and strap on headphones. If you shut your eyes, you could feel the kicks to the back of the seat, hear the slurs thrown your way.
Sometimes we make a very big deal about having the right opinions. Not nearly as much emphasis is placed on doing the right thing when it comes to it. I have so much admiration for people who make real sacrifices for the things they believe in.
Be Kind to Everyone Along the Way
It always comes back.
A little while ago, I got to work indirectly with somebody who led a big organization built on the ideas of learning, justice, and serving others. His brand was a really successful one, and it seemed like they were making a really big impact globally and locally.
Except for one thing- he was a pretty big jerk to the people who worked for him. Without notice, he would suddenly comandeer their projects and take over. People were afraid of him. Our collaboration got called off.
Unless things change, I am quite sure his success can only last for so long before things catch up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen something like this. Thankfully, I’ve also seen the opposite, where people rave about others who are the real deal.
I’m a big believer that the way we’ll ultimately be remembered won’t be by our titles, big accomplishments, and proudest productions. I think the way we show up for each other during the ordinary moments in between will end up saying the most.
The way you do the small things matter. They end up being not-so-small in the end.
October 2019
#274 Puppy Influencer
01 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Beignet is now the kind of dog brands will send free stuff to sample in the mail.
#275 Book of Orders
02 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Ya boy is becoming a deacon.
#276 Vampire Weekend
03 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Wisdom’s a gift but you’d trade it for youth.
Walcott takes me back to driving around my senior year. Horchata takes me back to unpacking my bags my first day in Italy when moving into the yellow painted apartment. Step will take me back to spending the Fourth of July in London and my friend’s British dad grilling hot dogs to celebrate the “special relationship.” Harmony Hall takes me back to earlier this year, moving out of our old apartment shortly before discovering we were pregnant.
Vampire Weekend, thanks for being the soundtrack to most of my twenties and our last show before becoming parents.
I wondered if we would even get to use our tickets for this show or if our baby would try and make his way into the world to the tune of Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa. Thankfully we made it through.
Also, based on his in utero movements this kid loves concerts. That should be fun in a few years.
#277 UTC Errands
04 October 2019 // La Jolla, California
Quick repairs in the middle of a Friday.
#278 Eucalyptus Grove
05 October 2019 // Carlsbad, California
Sweet discovery of some very mild hiking trails.
#279 Neighborhood Alleyways
06 October 2019 // San Diego, California
One last stretch of being able to easily go on double dates, movie outings, and the like before kids.
#280 Nursery Mountains
07 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Pretty happy with how this mural paint job in our nursery turned out.
#281 Raid the Office
08 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Our office neighbors were going out of business which gave me a chance to swoop in on some goodies. Including:
• A non-numerical weighing scale
• A Nerf gun
• A Cat Palm tree
• A velvet VIP rope
• A sack of baseballs & softballs
#282 Deanna’s 30th
09 October 2019 // San Diego, California
It’s Deanna’s birthday!!
30. 💥💥💥
And to say this has been a big year would be the understatement of a lifetime.
Speaking of understatements, proud doesn’t even begin to describe how I’ve been feeling about Deanna all year. And beyond. I can’t imagine being with somebody more giving, more resilient, and more hope-giving. Despite every obstacle.
So many people are alive because she does what she does. So many people’s lives are better because she is who she is. 🌎
I keep thinking how lucky our kid is gonna be to have his mom. And I can say that cause I’m the guy whose lucky enough to be married to her.
I get excited when this boy shows he’s got a mind of his own in utero. I want to take it as a sign he’s got her strong will and fighter spirit, and if he uses that the way she does, he’s gonna be on his way to great things.
Happy birthday Dee!
#283 The Nursery
10 October 2019 // San Diego, California
A little preview at our nursery-in-progress!
With the due date creeping closer, much of my creative energy has gone towards designing this nursery: putting together the crib, painting his wall mural, assembling a changing table, etc.
Actually, most of any kind of energy I have these days goes towards getting ready for the kid, but I guess that’s our new normal.
#284 Corey & Curren
11 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Office family potluck at the Bay.
#285 30th Birthday Surprise
12 October 2019 // Carlsbad, California
Throwing a surprise party for Deanna isn’t always an easy thing. On Saturday I had to deflect so many of her ideas that would’ve taken us away from the Windmill where I had her friends hide. But, we got her to the right spot and the right time and it was a success.
Such a fun weekend of eating and exploring with Daniel, Joy, Caytlin, and Daniel. Thanks for pulling this off, everybody!
#286 Joy and Daniel in Balboa
13 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Daniel is about to strike it Insta-famous. Good for him!
#287 Andouille Jambalaya
14 October 2019 // San Diego, California
A bit of andouille makes a bunch of things better.
#288 Lestat’s on Park
15 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Great week featuring a few last meet-ups before the baby gets here.
#289 Corner Complex
16 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Looking back at what used to be my nightly route home.
#290 Philz Alley
17 October 2019 // La Jolla, California
I’ve been getting in a bunch of hangouts with other recent dads and I’m sure that’s no coincidence.
#291 Basic Taco Bell
18 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Deanna’s pregnancy cravings are sometimes the easiest thing to give into.
#292 Lobster Dog
19 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Somebody’s Halloween costume just doesn’t quite fit.
#293 Rohr Park Walk
20 October 2019 // Bonita, California
Sweet discovery of a new walking spot with Beignet.
#294 Empty Office
21 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Last few days of work before paternity leave begins.
#295 Last Week Before Fatherhood
22 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Hey kiddddddd.
We’ll be hanging out this time next week, most likely. We can’t wait to welcome you into our fun-loving, stubbornly-strong-willed family. I get the sense you’ll fit right in to that.
I’m trying to soak up every spare moment of this sweet season. Everything around me feels like caught up in an atmosphere of warmth and sweetness, which is funny because most of the pregnancy has been like a wild mine cart ride.
But these days, peace almost feels tangible. What a moment we’re in.
#296 Dear America
23 October 2019 // San Diego, California
What makes someone a citizen?
Papers? Loyalty? Community?
“I refuse to live a life of fear defined by a government that doesn't even know why it fears what it fears. Because I am not a citizen by law or by birth, I've had to create and hold on to a different kind of citizenship.... Citizenship is showing up. Citizenship is using your voice while making sure you hear other people around you. Citizenship is how you live your life.”
–Jose Antonio Vargas
I put off reading this book for way too long. This was only, believe it or not, the second book ever that I’ve read by a Filipino American author. But I’m glad I got to it. Jose’s voice is such an important one.
This was a book about separation and belonging. Whenever our understanding of migration and citizenship loses the human element, we move towards separation. Not just separating people with international borders, but separating ourselves from each other and our shared humanity.
When I think of citizenship or migration issues, I’m tempted to think in terms of policy or technicalities. I like to know the statistics behind migration, the main causes, the demographic makeup, and all that. That knowledge is helpful, but this book helped me see things with a little more clarity and a little more empathy.
#297 Outside at Yerba
24 October 2019 // San Diego, California
A final outing with John while he’s in town.
#298 Ordered a Mountain
25 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Sneaking in last minute date nights before baby shows up. We accidentally ordered this mountain.
#299 Last Hike as Three
26 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Went to the Tijuana River Estuary for one more hike as a crew of three. Whats with the faces, Beignet?
#300 Last WEEKEND BEFORE KIDS
27 October 2019 // San Diego, California
This time for real- our last weekend outing before kids. Went out for a little nature stroll at the San Diego Presidio trail.
#301 MONDAY NIGHT AT ALEXANDER’S
28 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Love this Monday night spot. Where else can you get pizza and beer at somewhere this fancy for so cheap??
#302 LAST DAY BEFORE PATERNITY LEAVE
29 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Leaving the office for one more time. Be back here after a while, when things are pretty different.
#303 TWO HAPPY GRANDMAS
30 October 2019 // San Diego, California
Went for one more dinner before delivery at a place where this all began… Pop Pie Co.
#304 RHYS MIGUEL
31 October 2019 // San Diego, California
What a blessing. What an adventure. What a journey. And you know what? It’s simply just begun!⠀⠀
Rhys Miguel Lazaro arrived at 8:09 in the morning of October 31st at 7lbs 4oz, and 19 inches long.⠀
I am so in love with this guy! I can’t believe I get to be his dad.
Deanna is recovering and is doing well. Rhys is a strong and healthy baby. It seems like he has his mom’s strength and spirit. I couldn’t be prouder of the two of them.
One Year From Now
Here’s to the things we hear in the trenches.
🌄
We’re coming up on the one year anniversary of one of the hardest times in my life.
In October/November of last year, right around November, things felt completely stuck. We were beginning to think we might not be able to have kids. Deanna started getting pretty sick. I had a planned trip fall apart. We ran into a chain reaction of one complicated thing after another.
🌫
Gabby Bernstein once said, “We can accept that even the tough moments are divine lessons that guide us back to love.”
That sounded great, but things felt too foggy for divine lessons. I felt too frustrated to pray. Venting was more of an accurate picture. I heard one thing in reply, something too good and specific that I wanted to dismiss it as my mind playing tricks.
“In one year, you will see how good I am.”
Like I said, weird. Overly specific. Too good to be true. But also just enough to make me curious about the future.
The reason I get so excited about using any creative tool to excavate hope in hard places is because I’ve had that to me a number of times.
Baby is due 11/7 but most likely, we’ll meet in a month.
I Love Mango
I share this hot content today for one reason and one reason only:
To express my appreciation and gratitude for mangoes.
🎒
San Diego mango lovers, you’re gonna want to save this post.
Coffee and Tea Collective has been doing a trio of really good mango drinks all summer. And I was happy that when I went in last week that summer menu was still going.
Deanna and I also recently discovered the blessing that is MNGO cafe on Convoy and I want to try the entire menu.
Also, I’ve heard very good things about Meet Fresh and their patbingsu so that’s next on the agenda.
🎒
PS - there is no mango emoji and I can’t believe I keep having to use a red backpack pretending that it’s a backpack full of mangoes. People just don’t get it so easily.
PSS - when there is a mango emoji someday, I really hope it features a criss-cross sliced, inside out mango, than just the whole fruit. So much more visually exciting!
Keep Trying New Stuff
My hope: to keep trying new things up until my time is up.
🌱
These are taro plants growing on a farm in Colombia. If you’ve ever seen taro plants in the wild, these are abnormally gigantic. I love them because they make me feel like I’m in A Bug’s Life. 🐛 But on a totally different note, here’s a thought I keep coming back to lately.
🌱
Have you ever thought about this- so much creative talent goes untapped! How many of the world’s best directors will never make actually a movie because they never realized they had it in them? 💠 The best musicians in the world might not actually be the world’s best musicians. They’re just the best out of the ones who took the time to try and develop their skill.
⠀⠀
🔱
Most people have untapped creative potential they don't realize is there. Most people will never end up discovering it.
The only way to find out what you've got is to explore. That’s not just going new places, but finding out things about yourself by trying stuff!
I don’t want my practice of exploration to end in adulthood. I don’t want to kid myself that it gets too late. I want to say yes to projects, collaborations, and invitations that take me way outside my comfort zone.
I’m sure that not everything will be amazing, but at least I won’t have to worry about taking any creative genius to the grave in secret.
